AIO for telling my husband that if we don’t learn to actively listen to each other and compromise, our relationship is doomed?
Disclaimer: Sorry if this is a bit scattered, this is my first Reddit post.
BACKGROUND: I (33F, ADHD/neurospicy) and my husband (35M) have both been under a lot of stress recently. He got laid off 2 weeks ago due to company restructuring and is currently job hunting. During COVID, he went through unemployment for 9 months after losing what he considered his dream job, and it sent him into a really dark place mentally. This time around, I tried to give him a few days to process everything before pushing too hard about next steps.
Last night, we got into a long argument that lasted hours and spiraled into multiple topics: unemployment, communication, feeling misunderstood, etc. At one point, I told him I could tell he was beginning to emotionally spiral because I’m very sensitive to shifts in people’s moods/body language/emotional state. He responded by saying:
“I don’t think you’re an empath. I think you’re overly empathetic, yes, but I also think you are selfish.”
That hit me hard.
I asked him why he thought that, and he explained that to him, an “empath” is someone selfless who always puts others before themselves, and he doesn’t think I do that. I tried explaining that I wasn’t using the word that way and that I meant I’ve always been someone who absorbs emotional environments very intensely, sometimes to an unhealthy degree. It’s something I’ve actively worked on in therapy for years.
The bigger issue, though, is that moments like this happen often. I feel like we process conflict very differently. I tend to want to unpack things thoroughly, explain my perspective and emotional reasoning, and work toward some kind of mutual understanding. He tends to approach conflict in a much more direct/black-and-white way, and sometimes our conversations end up shifting away from the original issue entirely.
For example, this conversation fluctuated from:
“You think I’m stupid because you’re overexplaining empathy to me.”
to:
“I accept you as you are and don’t want to change you.”
to (probably the one that hurt/scared me the most):
“I don’t think I can be the person you want me to be.”
I finally told him that if we can’t learn to actively listen to each other, compromise, and work toward actual understanding during conflict instead of just apologizing and moving on, I genuinely worry about the long-term health of our relationship.
That’s really the core of this post:
Our arguments often end with both of us apologizing, neither of us truly feeling understood, and the same issues resurfacing later. It's a vicious cycle, IMO.
I love this man deeply. He is my best friend, and I truly want this marriage to last forever. But I also feel emotionally exhausted sometimes trying to bridge the gap between how differently we process conflict and communication.
AIO here?
TL;DR: My husband recently lost his job, and during a stressful argument he told me he thinks I’m “overly empathetic but selfish,” which really hurt me. The bigger issue is that our conflicts often turn into cycles where we both apologize but neither of us truly feels understood. I feel like I try hard to unpack emotions and find compromise, while he tends to become defensive or see things more black-and-white. I told him that if we can’t learn to actively listen to each other and communicate better during conflict, I worry about the long-term health of our relationship. I love him deeply and want this marriage to work, but I’m emotionally exhausted by the pattern. AIO?