u/Glittering-Sound-307

I’ve officially been out for 1 month, sometimes I feel free and happy that I don’t have to deal with being called horrible names, accusations out of no where, screaming, broken things, or a drunk angry man anytime we shared an experience or outing together. Other times I miss him so much. We have had contact on and off but I feel like the love was so intense that I might not find that somewhere else. I loved him so much. I miss our home and the good times. It genuinely makes me sad not to have him. How do I stop the urge from wanting to go back? We were together for 3 years.
Also thank you all for chiming in on times I was in a crisis and posted here your words have always helped me along the way.

Yesterday I went to get a fill for my nails at the nail shop during my lunch break, it took a little longer than normal but not too bad. I left at 12:20pm and returned at 1:59pm. Bf got home around 330pm. He was immediately acting weird when he got home, very quiet and just said he was tired from work. So around 5pm I started making dinner. He was watching tv and then started going through our ring camera footage and started accusing me of being gone too long and saying my hair was different when I left from when I came back (hair was in a bun and I took out the bun part, mindlessly) he started accusing me of “getting f**cked” during my nail apt and demanded my phone. I said no to giving him my phone because he was intimidating me so I took my dog on a walk to create space. He packed some items and left to his moms house so I went to the gym. He sent me dozens of texts all night calling me a liar, narcissistic, toxic, started sending me old footage of ring camera questioning why I wore something on certain days months ago. It was so bizarre. I was literally making dinner when he started this whole narrative out of nothing. I have never cheated on this guy, have always complied with his demands until now I just refuse to give him my phone because it’s the grossest feeling having someone filter through all of your personal thoughts also just out of safety I won’t be without a phone. I’m exhausted.

I just keep thinking aside from the physical outbursts he has said some really hurtful things to me I just want to write it out too make me realize these are not things a normal partner says. I don't deserve this

List of things he has said to hurt me: over the span of 3 years:

"bitch"

"fuck you"

"i hate you"

"you would be a weak mother"

"you're hella old with no kids" (im 33)

"you're like a scared little dog"

"you are for the streets"

"you are a downtown hoe"

(laughed in my face mocking me)

"stupid" & "dumb"

"you're hella weird"

"secretive, sneaky, independent"

"too accessible to people, you give love to everyone"

he also told my friends I was pregnant when I was still deciding during a rage episode of hating me (I terminated due to abuse it was an extremely difficult decision and im deeply traumatized by everything. still healing from that)

many other things but these are just a few.

Since coming to the realization that I have got to leave this relationship, its been a daily battle in my head for months, screaming crying wanting to stay so bad but knowing its wrong, but not being able to find the courage to leave. I see a butterfly, birds or numbers in sequence and look up the meaning, hoping it will make sense to me and it often does. Over the weekend I was out shopping at TJ maxx when I bumped into a 70 year old woman who was comparing which organizer to get, she said she is getting this to go by her new bed and that day was her first day leaving her abusive partner of 12 years. she said he never hit her, but would break things, scream in her face and yell at her constantly. I wanted to cry, I gave her words of encouragement and told her how strong she was. She had no idea what I was going through, I just held space for her. Hearing her story was another eye-opening reason that no matter how old you are, how much history or hope you have with someone thats abusive that its never too late to walk away and it also will just never work out. These abusive people are stuck in their ways. That woman is restarting her life at 70 years old. I have the opportunity to restart my life at 33 years old. it gave me some courage but I also feel like that was more than just a coincidence. Has anyone here had similar experiences?