Regret after multiple betrayals
A long one sorry!
I had an affair last year with a colleague. It started emotionally in March then became physical in May.
I fell in love with the AP and convinced myself that I wanted them more than my BP.
My BP found out about it around August, afterwhich they miraculously forgave me and wanted to reconcile.
Because of the feelings involved, I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to reconcile, which shocked my BP unsurprisingly.
I selfishly took some time to think about what I wanted and chose to return to my BP.
Then a month later, I let it happen again and the affair started again and I went to live with the AP for a few weeks.
After the few weeks, I then decided that I wanted my BP actually and decided to return home.
Then sure enough, a month or so later, I started it yet again as we kept seeing each other at work.
This time I felt a lot more like it was happening because of circumstances rather than me actually wanting it to happen if that makes sense? Not trying to avoid my own responsibility in this, but I was in a way really relieved when my BP found out about it again because I kind of felt stuck. Again, not trying to avoid responsibility because I initiated it and caused it to happen again.
I broke it off with my AP and months went by without it happening again.
And then in this past week, I stupidly did it again.
This time I was instantly regretful and kicked myself for putting myself in a situation where I let it happen again.
Understandably, my BP has said that this is enough, they need to end it for their own sake.
I’m not sure if others have experienced this, but I think it’s taken me a long time to process through it all and really internalize the impact of this and the hurt it’s caused and now that I finally have, now it’s too late.
I don’t understand myself and how I let it get like this.
I know I am what people call an “avoidant” which I’m working on. I have been meeting with a counselor for the past couple of months which have helped me no doubt get to a point where I understand the impact of my actions and worked through my emotions but then still did it again.
I really want to fight for my marriage but I’m scared that if I do, I’ll end up hurting my BP again and won’t be able to keep to my word.
I know I’m a horrible person and I feel like I want to fall off the face of the earth.
I don’t know what to do next, I’ve broken it off completely with my AP but the AP encouraged me to just let the divorce happen so that we could be together since the way I’ve acted in the past year “shows that I clearly don’t want my BP”.
I don’t have any contact with my AP anymore but I have this feeling that I can’t shake where I think no one else in this world other than my AP would be able to see past me doing this multiple times.
I don’t really know what I’m asking advice on, I think I just wanted to write this here where people might have been through something similar.