F18 How do I stop myself from falling into haram, getting sexualised and falling into the trap
A little bit of context, I’m 18 yrs old in Australia in my first year of uni and also non-hijabi (better I state this earlier). As much as I want to be hijabi, I’ve never gotten the courage and kind of traumatised from being in a private Islamic school. Anyways, when I was 15 my parents finally moved me to a co-ed school which was honestly amazing, although it did definetely drift me a lot more from my religion. I started wearing short sleeves and short skirts (which was the uniform) and was in a mixed friend group. There was nothing too crazy with the guys in my friend group (most of them were white) we just occasionally high fived, hugged on bdays/last day of term, used to go to parties (btw I didn’t drink in these, never will) and a Muslim guy in that group who would always pat my head/press on it bc I was “short”, he would also always pay for me whenever we went out as friends - looking back at this it is weird as helll but I was like 15 and so dumb obnoxious and genuinely thought it was ok, because I had the biggest crush on him ever. There was a lot of girls in our group too, so I genuinely thought nothing could be haram.
Anyways fast forward 2 years later, the Muslim guy in my friend group got a girlfriend and I was absolutely heartbroken. Although, I do think this was for the better because I started going back to my deen, focusing on praying and wearing modest clothes, who knows what would’ve happened if we actually happened. From then to now, I have not even worn one short sleeve shirt or skirt, I try completely cover myself and even layer to hide any curves. Weirdly enough, I started receiving so much more male attention around this time, not from my friends but random men in public would approach me and even random people on instagram. I was too afraid to say no, so yes I did let them converse with me.
Most of these guys were Muslim as well, which breaks my heart because not even one of them has tried to treat me like a human and just instantly objectify me. It’s always something like “FWB…it’s normal here…it’s just us…i want to see more… i want ….” I do converse because honestly I do want male attention sometimes but then I end up getting forced to do something, manipulated or guilt tripped. I’ve realised I don’t know how I’ll ever actually find halal love around here and I have tried staying away as much as I can but in other’s eyes I’m seen no more than a toy and the one guy I truly liked has already been in a relationship and I just can’t accept that. Sometimes I feel like I should just submit because I want to feel loved but I just can’t because then it’s not fair to my future husband which is probably none of these guys. I want to experience every single first with him and expect him not to be so driven by desires.
And before you say it’s because of the circle I’m in, when I was in an Islamic school it was even worse, I almost got expelled for a rumour that I “slept around with a guy” when I was 14 and no matter what I did I couldn’t convince them at all and got bullied by my own Muslim community whereas he was getting praised and not even denying it which made me look 10 times stupider. I lost my parents trust love and everything. I just feel so hopeless in every aspect, so drifted away and alone and how others see me just ruins me even more.
I know I’m probably considered really young at least in the West to be thinking about this stuff, but it’s genuinely consuming my life.