u/Glittering-Wrap-6459

We’ve been married 3 years and had our first child last year. He’s been distant on and off with intimacy sometimes for several months and struggled with porn addiction. The last dry spell happened a couple months ago we hadn’t gotten intimate in over two months, I finally broke down and asked him why and he tried to brush me off and say he didn’t know what I was talking about. After a few more weeks I went through his phone and found him talking to his friend about watching porn and I confronted him and asked again why are you not having sex with me and he gave the excuse of life being too hectic and not having the time or energy to and that he just has a low drive lately , to which I asked how he doesn’t have time to be intimate with me but can watch porn several times a day. (I took notice to how much he was doing it after I seen his messages) he was completely stunned and went silent, I had to pry and pry him to even speak and then he admitted he had fell down the rabbit hole and that it’s nothing to do with me or anything to do with our sex life not being enjoyable that he simply craves the stimulation of porn and goes off the deep end when he gives in. We both agreed for him to stop cold turkey and throw himself into our sex life and for about 2 months it went great we were intimate a few times a week, every day on certain weeks. Fast forward and he has to go out of town on business for 6 weeks possibly longer (he’s a contractor and was starting to develop a new neighborhood) sex started to slow down leading up to his departure so I went through his phone and seen Reddit had made a return, asked him in passing when he redownloaded the app and he completely changed the subject. I chose not to pry because even slowed down we were still more consistent than before and it hadn’t affected us the way it usually does. He left on his trip and scheduled me a plane ticket to come visit him 10 days into his leave. Once I get there I got an overwhelming feeling to check his phone but I ignored it because we were getting along so well that it almost felt like a honeymoon stage all over again we were like teenagers all over each other having the best time. The last night I’m in town I get the feeling to look through his phone again and I listened, the first thing I seen was his messages to one of his friends so I scrolled up to find him texting his friend about a bank account that I have no idea about. He texted his friend “I have to go put money on the extra account for that thing I mentioned to you a few weeks ago” and his friend said do you need me to Zelle you to which he responded “no I’m all set I just need to find the time” and they continued their normal conversation. I scroll more to a few days later and I see him text “I feel guilty for almost going through with that thing I’m sexting my wife and she told me she’d do anything for me” and proceeded to say “well almost anything she’s more cocky over text and backs out later” and they kindve joke and move on his friend says “don’t feel guilty you didn’t fall to temptation just put it in the back of your mind and love your wife and don’t let it seep into your marriage” so I immediately woke him up and asked why he has a secret account, what he needed money for, and what did he almsot do. He confessed that he opened a Cash App account so I couldn’t see and that he was planning on getting an escort but backed out once he uploaded money to said account. I was so in shock and hurt that the first time he had been away from me since we got married that he immediately thought of cheating. As the night went on more questions kept coming to mind I asked why he wanted to cheat he said he was just extremely lonely and wanted to have sex and I said that wasn’t an excuse and we argued for awhile (well I screamed and cried while he said sorry) and I went to a separate room to think and pulled out the pictures of the messages I took and when I checked the date I realized he had texted his friend “that thing we spoke about a few weeks ago” only two days after he had left out home. Realization hit me like a brick and i stormed in and said “you said you were lonely and that’s why you even considered it but your messages says you told your friend about this plan weeks before you even left when you were home with me” then he confessed that he doesn’t know why he did it and that he’s been watching porn frequently in secret and that he’s beyond addicted and it’s all he thinks about, sex, women, porn,sleeping with anyone he can. He told me it got so strong that it clouded his vision and he considered an escort but backed out. Another lie. After he confessed that I start going through everything on his phone and found what’s app and seen a conversation that had nude photos from an escort asking if he’s still wanting to meet up. He admits that the website he looked on you had to text the women there and say what you want and give them a deposit before picking a location. I was so in shock and upset i literally went into psychosis that’s when reality set in. We discussed it for hours and finally the next day he admitted that he sexted and exchanged nude photos with multiple different women for weeks when while he was in our home. He apologized and said he did not go through with meeting any of them just the messages. I do not know what to do I don’t know how to handle this I love my husband and I’m so hurt that he’d do this, I never once even considered that he’d have the urge to cheat. Porn is one thing and it was a fight between us sometimes but he never failed to make me feel important and loved and like he valued me and our relationship. This has stopped me in my tracks I cannot unsee it but I also can’t imagine leaving either. I don’t know what to do or if I can get past this