I'm starting to hate (yet still love) my mother.
Hi I'm (17M) feeling that I'm slowly turning just like my mother, when I never wanted to be like her. My relationship with my mom was like love and hatred type of thing, I know she loves me, care for me, sacrifice many things for the family, but at the same time it was all her doing. At New Year's eves I visited my grandmother (she's my father's older cousin but an aunt to my mother due to him late at marrying) she basically told me that my mother claimed she was arranged by my grandmother to married my father. But my grandmother rebuke it since she literally the earliest witnessed or like one who agrees with my parents relationship before marriage. She told me my father was a pretty well off person financially and my mom kind of ruined it by giving money to every family member who needs help or ask for it(typical Asian family stuff) that by 2017 just 13 years after their marriage we started going like below middle class. At first I didn't really wanted to believe her side of story, but before that my father already kind of told me that my mom tends to help people a lot. I just got more convinced because why would my grandmother lied about this? She's the one who funded my father's college, one who gave him international job opportunities as a seafarer by letting him stay at her apartment in Singapore, and if she wanted his money she wouldn't live in a below condition and still working at the age of 70.
I rile it all up and it just make sense now! My older sister told many stories from other family member's that my father tend to invest his paycheck into properties,land, etc and was considered "rich" by his family. Now all of em were gone except one house that thankfully has my aunt family's (mothers side) that live in it because back then they didn't have a house. All this year's getting gaslighted that we're broke, no money, poverty fuck was all wrong. All my self funded hobbies, forced to work during and after covid-19 that it messed up my middle school years and getting late at maturing because I rarely see other pretty teens when I was 11 and still has a primary student humour and almost BULLIED for it. My first basketball shoes was literally paid by my grandma, and it was a local cheap local brand because my mother took half of the shoe money for saving or idk the fuck she does it with it, if I didn't saved up the money my uncle gave me for MMA lesson I would still be taunted in my high school days only for her to took 70% of that money for tutoring (which is good tbh great investment but I don't fucking save money for tutoring, she literally paid my sister full payment for her tutors why the fuck should I pay for mine?) and then gaslighted me by saying I didn't need to work I only need to study when I barely have money to pay my gym membership, like I can work as an 11 years old getting called names in that cursed laundry of hers?
I still remember her sentence in 2021 when I was making a detergent (she bought the pre made detergent so we need to cook it ourself) at 6am in the morning after I went home at 11pm from that shitty laundry "Will you hate me when you grow up because of this?" I happily said no! Because I thought oh geez my poor family need the only boy in this household during this struggling times! But turns out we all have that financial backup money right but she fucked it up, blame it on my father's because he has an intelligence and will of a ffucking rock. Like I still remember him literally points and laughs at me when my mom slap me at Christmas prayer, and I tell you this ever since then I wanted to hit em back. Like ever since she's start beating me at age of 3 and my dad just watching it like a cuck o he was. when she screamed at me because I failed my math test. Like fuck you I literally work all day I got no time to study.
But still, she shows love. She buys me a birthday cake, rubbed my head, sold her jewelry for my sister's and my college (which tbh I probably still need to get a job to ease off the financial burden a bit) like if we put aside her shithousery she has good intentions, yet at the same time she's the shittiest person I ever met. This is what I can only write in this thread because there's more of it, but I'd rather not remember it.