Vaginal delivery went so well, why am I traumatised?
For context, my first birth was an induction at 37 weeks that ended in pitocin and an emergency forceps delivery because my son’s heart rate kept dipping into the 50s. It was nearly a Category 1 C-section. Everything happened very quickly and chaotically, and my husband wasn’t even able to witness the birth.
Objectively, it was the more “traumatic” birth medically.
My second birth was completely different. I was induced at 38 weeks with Dilapan rods, my waters broke naturally, contractions started on their own, and labour lasted just 4 hours. My daughter was born vaginally after only 2 pushes. My husband was there the entire time, cut the cord, and on paper it was a beautiful birth experience.
So why does this birth fill me with so much more anxiety when I look back on it?
The only explanation I can really come up with is the epidural not working the way I expected. I could still feel a lot of pain and move my legs easily, which completely panicked me because I had mentally prepared to be much more numb. During my first birth, I had a spinal for the forceps delivery and felt absolutely nothing physically, whereas this time I felt very aware of everything happening.
I think the fear came from suddenly realising I was going to have to fully experience vaginal birth physically without the level of pain relief I expected. Even though the birth was straightforward and positive overall, I felt terrified during labour and immediately afterwards in a way I never did the first time.