I don’t know why I’m writing this… but the anxiety won’t let go. I’ve read forums, looked into questions, and realized that HIV is practically impossible to transmit through oral sex; my mouth is healthy, nothing hurts, and I didn’t brush my teeth right before the contact. I had oral sex with a partner I gave a blowjob to a guy from Grindr (it was fairly rough, with gagging and deepthroating, but there was no ejaculation in my mouth) and once again I gave in to panic, thinking I got infected with HIV and so on. In my country, homosexuality is criminalized, and getting PEP or PrEP is practically impossible unless I tell an AIDS center that I was raped (and it’s already too late anyway, since several days have passed since the contact), so I don’t know what to do. This is seriously interfering with my life—this disease phobia even though rationally I understand otherwise. I’m 24, and before turning 22 I had around 50+ partners, oral sex, most often I was the top, and I never worried about it. I’ve never even had herpes, let alone any STDs. But now I can’t even just meet someone and have sex calmly without panicking unless I test the guy with an OraQuick test right before the contact (though most people just look at me like I’m an idiot).
I don’t know… I’m sure I didn’t get infected, but the anxiety and constant panic make me think otherwise that I’ll somehow become the first documented case (though the irony is that I wouldn’t even be able to tell an AIDS center I got infected from a man through oral sex, because I’d be jailed immediately, lol). It’s all very difficult.