Are these red flags to watch out in early dating?
I (32F) recently started seeing a guy (27M) and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m overreacting/anxious or whether these are legitimate compatibility concerns/red flags that would make other people end things this early.
For context, we’ve only been talking for about 3 weeks and gone on 2 dates, so this is very early dating. We had strong initial chemistry. I actually pursued him first, double texted him, initiated the first date, etc. We talked a LOT, had long late-night conversations, voice notes, emotional openness, flirting, hand-holding, all of that. He became invested pretty quickly and even told his parents/friends about me after the first date.
Initially I was very excited about him, but over the last week my nervous system has started pulling away instead of getting closer, and now I’m considering ending things before it gets more serious.
The things giving me pause:
- He had a multi year (4-7 years) relationship that ended in early 2024.
- After that, he admitted he went through a phase of multiple flings/casual situationships because he felt lonely/empty after the breakup.
- He described that period as unhealthy and said it made him feel guilty and empty.
- He also admitted he smoked weed DAILY from age 17–27 (basically a decade). He quit only a few months ago after multiple failed attempts and after his family intervened.
- He talks a lot about his “old self” vs his calmer self now, and references how he used to be more avoidant/intense/emotionally chaotic.
- He has made comments joking about “crashing out” or wanting to “attack” someone who was rude to me in a movie theater (he did NOT actually the person, but the intensity still unsettled me a bit).
- He made a slight lie about his height initially (not by a huge amount, but still).
- He says he’s healed now and secure attachment now, but all of the chaotic behavior (weed/flings/etc.) was VERY recent (within the past 6 months).
And this is where I’m conflicted because:
- he has actually been kind to me,
- emotionally open,
- respectful overall,
- communicative,
- and genuinely seems to like me.
So I’m struggling with whether:
A) I’m picking up on real incompatibilities/red flags early and should trust myself,
OR
B) I’m overanalyzing because I recently got out of a breakup and my nervous system is hypervigilant now.
Another important thing: I personally date very intentionally and don’t really do casual intimacy/flings myself, so his recent fling phase is also a values mismatch for me emotionally/morally.
Would these things make you back away this early in dating? Or does this sound more like anxiety + fear after heartbreak?