I recently saw Next To Normal performed at a local theater and I’ve been listening to one of the songs a lot, I’m Alive. It feels so much like OCD and I really wanna write out/explain it to someone who can get it so… hi OCD Reddit! I’m specifically pulling from the Jack Wolfe version with the included speech from the family members. Warning if you watch the musical, it’s kinda outdated and has some dark topics.
“I am more than memory, I am what might be, I am mystery.”
“When I appear, it's not so clear, if I'm a simple spirit or I'm flesh and blood.” Reminds me of false memories that go with obsessions, the doubts OCD makes us think.
“But I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive. And I feed on the fear that's behind your eyes. And I need you to need me, it's no surprise
I'm alive, so alive.” Literally OCD. It feeds on the anxiety we feel from our obsessions and forces us to do compulsions. It also needs us to pay attention to it to keep it alive.
I won’t copy paste it but the whole interaction with the father and daughter talking about how frequent the mother’s therapy sessions will be and how intense they are, and the doubts about if it’ll ever truly go away relates strongly to starting treatment for OCD.
“I am flame and I am fire. I am destruction, decay, and desire. I'll hurt you. I'll heal you.” The double edged sword of giving in to compulsions. It feels better but it’s actually hurting.
“And though you made me, you can't change me. I'm a perfect stranger who knows you too well.” It’s made in our minds and something that we don’t understand well, at least at first, but it knows us far too well.
“And I'm alive, I'm alive, I am so alive. And I'll tell you the truth if you let me try. You're alive, I'm alive, and I'll show you why.” Feels like OCD thoughts saying they’re telling us the truth and if we just give in to the compulsions, we’ll see they were right and things will be safe.
“I'm alive, I'm right behind you. You say forget, but I'll remind you. You can try to hide, you know that I will find you. 'Cause if you won't grieve me, you won't leave me behind.” The way it feels like OCD will always follow us, even as we try to ignore the urge to follow compulsions like ERP therapy says to. Almost like the OCD is threatening us that things will go bad if we ignore it. I think the grief line can go with OCD because if we don’t accept we have it, we can’t get treatment and help for it. There’s another line that mentions a similar thing, “If you try to deny me, I’ll never die.”
I hope someone can get some amusement from this long write out. I enjoy breaking songs down like this and usually I can relate them to fandom and share them with a friend but I don’t have anyone to really share an OCD related song with.