Oh boy I feel like my queer experience is a MESS. I've never once knew what to label my sexuality, I am 22FtMtF and I have a lot of lived experiences, so here's a bit about me and who I am.
I am an Intersex woman with Transition experience (FtMtF; detransitioned for personal reasons, still a massive Trans ally) and I personally identity with Ipsogender/Ipsosex (basically, "cis-Intersex" for later in life diagnosed Intersex folks, coined by an Intersex & Trans Dr.)
I am currently in a long-term happily Queer & Poly relationship with a cis pansexual bear & bisexual genderfluid/bigender partner who's gender changes depending on what makes the situation the most Queer.
Now I tried to use labels like Uranic, QueerHet/Heterosexual, I've tried bi with a heavy preference, I've even entertained microlabels like turigirl, but here's where reddit might hit me with hammers; I have a trauma-based genital preference that VASTLY affects my sexuality/who I date and I do not want to be labeled as a chaser/transphobe/exclusuonist, but at the same time as a survivor of female-on-female CSA? The idea/thought of ANY vulva of ANY gender near/touching mine in a sexual context WILL immediately send me into a panic attack & flashback. I am repulsed by vulva due to trauma, no matter the gender of the person; and as someone who is hypersexual & highly values sexual intimacy in romantic, long-term relationships, this isn't something I can just, choose to go celibate over or slap a strap on it and call it good. I do not want a CSA flashback. I also feel like because my childhood rapist had a vulva, people take my sexual trauma less seriously. It feels like if I was raped by a man and only attracted to vulva while being bi, I would be validated; meanwhile I feel like since it's the opposite, people want to jump to conclusions about me hating AFAB folks?
Trans women are women, Trans men are men, Intersex people are real & Non-Binary genders are valid; I just don't know what or how to label my sexuality whatsoever. Also it's not as easy being just vague like "Queer" or "Unlabeled". I want to know what I am.
I'm definitely NOT cis/het. I didn't live half of my life as a Gay Trans man or my entire life as an Intersex person to be reduced to JUST "cis/het" because my Intersex life experience & previous Trans experience IS my Queer experience. I AM a Queer person. Not only that, but I don't see or reduce my Bigender partner as her birth sex, She's the ONLY person closest to a woman who I feel comfortable dating simply because we met when we both identified as men in the past. I'm not abandoning someone I actually care about and truly love for not living as men anymore. At the same time I'm worried about being perceived as a chaser due to the fact I was raped as a young child by someone else with a vulva and now I physically cannot handle same-sex intercourse or the idea of such without having a flashback and panic attack and vomiting; even vulva on vulva porn makes me extremely uncomfortable because it reminds me too much of my rape.
I keep having this imposter syndrome that I'm "not Queer enough/anymore" and that I'm a "bad person" because I transitioned for a decade and explored my sexuality only to genuinely realize I am an Intersex woman and I primarily like men and androgynous/fluid/bigender people, but whenever I try to find a label for it, nothing fits!! Also having the strong trauma-based genital preference which feels like admitting a crime because I'mtraumatized by pussy. If I was raped by my uncle instead of my aun, maybe queer people wouldunderstandmy trauma better. (I'm sorry that I was assaulted by a woman as a little girl.)
I don't have to worry about people with vulva trying to have sex with me because I am exclusive to my two partners, but this trauma is so strong it genuinely affects my sexuality and future prospects of us exploring BDSM spaces together. I don't care who you are, what you were born as or what you have in your pants; due to CSA-trauma, I am legitimately terrified of vulvas and/or overly-feminine people due to trauma. (cis, intersex, trans, nonbinary, I don't care.)
I'm not into women enough due to the rape trauma to comfortably call myself Bisexual, I don't like the controversy around Uranic &Turigirl, Queer doesn't fully encompass my sexuality/feels too loose of a descriptor and I am NOT Straight/attracted to cishets. (nor am I even cis) and being Unlabeled feels isolating to me.
Should I just, not label myself? This was so easier when I was a man; then I was just a Queer/Gay man or Achillean or whatever with a trauma based revulsion to femininity and/or vulva
My gender may of changed again after I found out I am Intersex, but my sexuality/preferences have not, and essentially I'm scared I'm going to be rejected from the Queer community because I'm an Intersex woman primarily attracted to Queer Masculinity & Fluidity
I don't know what to label myself anymore or if I even belong in the community anymore. I feel so lost, confused and like a giant fraud.
TLDR;
Intersex detrans woman struggling with labels/placement in Queer community after learning she is Intersex and choosing to live as a woman again & struggling a lot with female on female CSA trauma that affects her attraction to over 50% of the human population.