u/Global-Cranberry8739

Throwaway for obvious reasons. I am a transsexual man (19, FtM), my friend is a cisgender girl (18, F).

We have been friends for over a year and we clicked really well. She understands me, I understand her. She is a really secretive person due to her mental illness and trauma, but she has opened up to me multiple times, so I believe she feels comfortable around me, and the comfort is mutual.

Overall I'd say she's a really good friend. There have been ups and downs, of course, due to us both having untreated mental illnesses, but we're both emotionally mature enough to talk things through and solve what has to be solved. We don't shy away from difficult conversations because we both want to keep our friendship and make the best out of it.

For a long time I considered myself to be strictly attracted to men. There has been a "phase" of mine years ago when I thought I was bisexual and I cannot lie, I to this day check out good looking women from time to time.

I am to a degree attracted to women, but I considered the attraction to be too minimal to label myself as bisexual. I find women to be beautiful and they drive me crazy sometimes, but I could never envision myself in a long-term relationship with one or even something intimate since we have the same equipment, you could say.

Whileas with men, I can imagine something long-term. When I daydream about a "potential partner", it was always a man.

My point being, I have developed feelings for my girl friend, feelings which go deeper than casual friendship.

The way I had realised I have fallen in love might have been kind of a-holish; It happened after we had an argument due to her mental illness. I ended our friendship because I thought it was too much and I feared that my own mental issues would only make her worse and create this "echo chamber" of negativity making her spiral into even worse habits. So I left.

I move on from people pretty quickly, even people I had loved. When I initiate no-contact I never go back. But with her I couldn't move on, I thought I was going insane without her by my side.

I had realised that I loved her more than a friend. I caught myself thinking about holding her, kissing her and whatnot.

I broke no contact and fortunately, we were able to resolve some things. That argument made her see things more clearly and now she's willing to heal and recover.

I know recovery is not linear; I expect that darker times will come. But as long as I see that she's willing to heal and get better, I have no problem with staying by her side no matter how dark it gets and help her to acheive a better future.

However, each time we talk now, my heart jumps a little. I melt at the sound of her voice and I can't stop those thoughts and desires about her being my girlfriend. It's like I fall in love with her more with each day.

Now, here is where the problem arises; Until now, I believed I was attracted only to men. I could never imagine a future with a woman before (I am the "dating to marry" type, I'd never go for something casual just for the sake of being in a relationship).

With her, I can evnvision my future clearly, but I am still afraid that if I were to confess, I may change my mind, realise that I really am only attracted to men and hurt her in the process, which is the last thing I'd want to do.

Secondly, perhaps it's only my gender dysphoria talking, but I feel like I won't be adequate for her as a boyfriend. She had a rough life and I'd like to be her pillar, a man who would protect her and take care of her.

I'm not on HRT yet so I don't feel manly enough for her. I do train, I do try to be strong, but I still fear like it's not what she really deserves.

About me being trans also, I don't think she's the kind of person to mind, but I can't ever be sure.

I know for a fact that she's asexual, and I don't mind. I don't think intimacy in bed is the most important thing and I can live without it without any problem.

Recently, we started flirting jokingly. Sometimes she calls me her "husband" and some things she says make it seem like she's catching onto me and my feelings for her and now I'm panicking because I'm not quite sure what exactly to do.

I don't care whether we're dating or not despite the feelings I have for her. As long as she's my friend and talking to me I am happy. I'd rather remain friends and have her in my life than confess and potentially ruin the friendship we have.

There's too many questions I am asking myself now;

Should I wait until things become more clear to me? Should I confess to her soon or wait for a longer time? Am I just overthinking everything? Am I actually just gay and is this confession an irrational thing to do? Am I truly attracted to women (her in particular), too?

I'd appreciate any advice and opinion regarding any of this. I don't want to rush head-first into things and hurt her. She is really important to me. I am just confused about my feelings and everything.

Thank you in advance.