Lesbian realising that I might be bisexual
I’ve been thinking of myself as a purely lesbian since I was 14 y.o. Had multiple wlw relationships, some of them being toxic, some not.
I’m 26 now and from 23 to 25 I focused on myself, didn’t date anyone. It’s also been 3 years since I’m in therapy, one of the outcomes of it is me realising the needs and boundaries I have and things I want to have and give in relationships.
For the past year I’ve been looking for a serious monogamous relationship but had 2-3 situationships or just short term relationships that ended rather on a good note with us realising that it wouldn’t work.
I’m living in a small city and my dating apps look empty, like I’ve already met everyone there. Yet I’m feeling ready for closeness and intimacy with someone special who shares my values. I look somewhat masculine, between dyke and butch, but I’m really soft and demisexual so I’m not really the one to chase women or flirt with them from the first meeting. I know that because I look more masculine lesbians usually expect me to be proactive but I am tired of courting or carrying the relationship with someone who is more passive.
I’ve been very active in our local queer community, having a big friend group there. One day I just realised that although I’ve made so many friends there no one has been hitting on me romantically or shown any signs of interest or attraction. And it seems weird since I don’t have a self esteem issues or lack social skills.
Eventually, I realised that I want something mutual with both sides being there and really interested with each other. My last encounter with a lesbian woman ended on a weird note where we clearly enjoyed each other’s company but she just disappeared as soon as I’ve made the first move and invited her to a coffee.
I stared going to the gym and feeling more sexual desire, eventually finding myself horny on in male company. Firstly I freaked out but then started questioning my sexual identity, realising that I might have been feeling sexually attracted to man before, just never really having crush on them or fallen in love with any man.
And after all of that thoughts I decided to give a try to dating man and seeing whether I am comfortable in such interactions.
Of course my lesbian friends started judging me when I shared this. Maybe it’s cause I’ve never had any abuse or negative experiences from males, while I had several abusive lesbian relationships. And by saying that I don’t want to sound like men are great, lesbians are toxic, I rather imply that people in my head are just people, and their negative behaviour doesn’t base solely on the gender or sexuality.
So I started looking for a man on Tinder and oh gosh I’m surprised of the amount of likes, matches and first messages I now receive. It seems so weird, like a brand new world I’ve never seen before. So many people are interested in me and making the first move. Of course it feels like a sudden valuation and even a self esteem boost. But it also feels exciting.
Anyway, my queer friends, especially lesbians are now judging me for this. Like they would rather see me alone for a few more years than see me dating a man. And I would love to date girls in the future, I’m not turning to a straight overnight, I am just becoming be-curious and willing to explore the relationship I never had just to see whether I could be comfortable with a man.
Anyway, it makes me really sad and vulnerable to get so much hate from my community.