r/queer

Hello! Posting from a burner account bc I know this is an absolute trash take but it is something that I genuinely want to be educated on:

I (transmasc nonbinary, disabled, he/they, 26) am the femme in a butch/femme dynamic with my butch fiancé (transmasc, he/they, able-bodied, 28) and we have stumbled upon some deep internalized prejudice that I have towards femmes in a butch4femme relationship. In my mind, because providing emotional care and support in a relationship is the absolute bare minimum you should be doing, it is not on par with the practical support that butches offer. In my mind, a relationship that is purely practical support without reciprocal emotional care and vulnerability is either unhealthy or entirely transactional and doesn’t function as a romantic or platonic partnership. Thus, with emotional care being the fundamental principle on which meaningful relationships are built, it can’t be considered on par with emotional AND practical contributions to a relationship.

For the record, I have been in healthy and deeply meaningful relationships where the only thing we had to offer each other was emotional support, and I never had this notion crop up in those relationships because it felt like we were on equal footing and contributing equally. This is my first relationship with a butch though, and I can’t help feeling like he would be better off in a butch4butch relationship.

To state it in an extreme way, I have somehow internalized that femmes are useless and not valuable partners in a butch4femme dynamic, and that butch4butch relationships are inherently better.

Yes, I am aware that this definitely stems from internalized misogyny, ableism and capitalist ideals on value being found in material contribution and productivity, a lack of knowledge of historical queer relationship dynamics, and some deep-rooted self esteem issues. Now that I am aware of this belief that I have, I want to be proactive about changing it.

Does anyone have insight into what makes femmes (as an identity both now and historically, not just femme aesthetics) valuable contributors to relationships? What are the flaws in my line of thinking? Are there good books/articles/podcasts that I can look to for educating myself?

Thanks in advance for any advice/resources! I promise this is in good faith- I want to understand better!!

Met a pansexual Scorpio 30 and I’m a queer Aries 29. Had my first queer date, established what we wanted they didn’t want to “clown” around, but for the first date I got them a lil bouquet and made sure it was cat friendly. We got deep and found out we had went to the same hs, played on the same water polo team. Few dates later, They said it wouldn’t work out bc they think I’m experimenting them. They got hurt super bad so that’s why they don’t wanna full send with me. Was that a fair deal breaker for me or was I just an option. I wasn’t trying to close it off with them right away. However they texted me recently and wanting to be platonic and get to know me overall as a person still. Few days later texted me again and invited me to a watch party. Acknowledged my feelings and I realized rejection is protection. Anyways I’m still sad :( I felt like they dead ass played me.

For some context, I've been through a hard time accepting my sexuality, and now that I'm comfortable saying I'm lesbian, it became an important part of my identity.

But a couple months ago I met a non binary person that uses he/him and goes by a majority male name. I realized I had feelings for him and we kissed a couple days ago, and that really messed up with me cause I feel that since he is male presenting, it kinda invalidates my sexuality.

Even though I could use a different label, I don't feel any attraction to man (usually, not even male presenting people at all) so it doesn't feel right saying I'm bi or pan.

I hadn't talked to him about it yet, bc I don't even know how to start this conversation and cause I feel like that might sound like I'm invalidating his gender identity and I really don't want to ruin what's going on between us.

I just needed to vent about it, but if anyone has some advice, I could use some help

Hii! I, a teenage girl, am currently—as per the title—struggling with coming to terms with/labeling my sexuality. For context, I’ve always loved learning new things about myself, and this will add onto that regardless of the answer. I’ve shifted from Omnisexual, to unlabeled, to bisexual since 2020 (when I first really started really finding out about the different array of labels in the queer community—I’ve been queer all my life, I was just fascinated to find all the different categories). And just recently, I’ve figured out that I also align with the aromantic spectrum, so that makes asking all these online quizzes that much harder for me (little attraction, so it’s there but it doesn’t occur as often and I definitely just don’t have as much center around it in my life as my alloromantic peers). However, it’s a question that I can feel has been floating around myself for quite a while, and trust me, I’ve TRIEDDD to ignore it for the longest time. Like literally 😭😭 throughout all of my experiences. At this point, I’m just tired of contemplating it; I know no answer is for certain and sexuality is definitely a fluent thing, but I seriously just want this out of my way. And of course as a sapphic woman I’ve dabbled in women enough to know that I’m definitely attracted to them!

But of right now, the thing that’s accelerating my thoughts about the whole ordeal is my current (and first) boyfriend. And it’s not that he’s a bad guy, if anything he’s perfect. He literally checks off every single box—he’s creative and in improv, perfect balance of that with sports since he’s athletic and a school record holding track athlete, we’re basically the same person so he’s funny and has a personality that I like, and absolutely handsome look-wise since he’s tall, has dreads, and abs. but the relationship just feels really…flat. Like I feel like I’m the one carrying it most of the time since he’s shy and doesn’t take much initiative and it honestly feels more like we’re friends than anything else. I definitely knew this risk when we started dating over the summer, but the relationship just isn’t going good. BUT ANYWAYSSS I said all that to say, he’s starting to make me question even more than I already have been because I’m looking at him and wondering: “he’s literally perfect? If I wouldn’t really want a person like him, who WOULD I want?”

And the more I think about it, the more I realize the confusing part is: I’ve had more crushes on guys in my life number-wise, but they’ve never felt that deep. With men it’s usually like “oh he’s cool/mysterious/attractive” and then it fades. I’m more attracted to the aura than anything else but with women, it’s always felt way more intense and emotional and it sticks with me for a long time.
I’ve never really felt like I “clicked” with a guy the way I have with girls. Like for example (and really my only example that I think is worth mentioning) is the relationship I used to have about 4 years ago with this girl that I met online. We bonded over being tall for our ages in a tiktok comment section 💀💀 but we ended up clicking really well. We would talk almost everyday for 2 years, she actively pursued me, called me gorgeous and reassured me with pet names and showing she was obviously attracted to me, we did relationship trends together, had the same interests, I loved her goth aesthetic. But above all else I honestly just remember the way she made me feel. I don’t even think I can put it into words. She made such an impression on me that she’s literally the face of my love life 🥹 she’s the standard I hold all of my crushes and relationships to. She even asked me out 3 times, and patiently waited for me each time I said no (we both already knew that it wasn’t because I didn’t want her—we were both just young and I wasn’t ready since I was still coming to terms with myself and trying to come out to my pastor—SUPPORTIVE—dad). She still comes to mind as a reference point for emotional connection 🤨 I still have her number and her socials but we don’t talk as much anymore. But don’t get me wrong, above all, what I miss is the kind of emotional connection she represented.

BUT I SAID ALL THAT TO SHOW AN EXAMPLE OF HOW DEEP MY FEMALE CONNECTIONS ARE TO MY MALES ONES ✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾 ones obviously more shallow than the other, and it always follows that trend. Honestly, to close out, I don’t think my biggest capstone is even the label itself; it’s what comes with it. Identity as a lesbian and coming out as one locks me into an identity with WAYYY less wiggle room than bisexual and I just don’t know if I’m ready for that. And even more, it’s harder for me to accept the fact that I just might not be attracted to men in that way. Like I know I’m keeping hope alive by hiding behind a bi flag but I also know that I’m only doing it because I know life would be easier for me if I just ended up with a man. I genuinely hope that I could have a connection with that man because I know life would be simpler for me if I found a good boyfriend I could have my own biological kids, and if I married a man, I’d feel way less guilty if I did. BUT I know at the same time, if I did, I would always mourn what I could have had with a woman. Heteronormativity really got to me that way, even though I’ve had TONS of queer experience and exposure!!

Let me know what you guys think! Again, SORRY ABOUT THE RANTS I KNOW ITS LENGTHY BUTTT HELPPPP PLEASE YALL 😭🙏 ill post this in a few different communities to get more opinions too! 💗

Look I don't know if this is the right way to do this and I am happy to hear any advice, but I am going to use they/them pronouns for the teen who is the topic of this question/post as much as possible. They have not expressed any preferred pronouns to me and part of the problem here is I don't know how to ask without just sounding like a cringey uncle "So how about them they/thems huh???"... AFAIK they are currently going by their gender assigned at birth which is male, and by AFAIK what I mean is that is what they are openly going by with their family but I suspect they may be more open with their friends/online community. If this sort of speculating is in poor taste I apologize.

First off a bit about me just to... I don't know, put my head space into perspective. I am a 33yo cishet man living in SoCal. I have two kids of my own, 3 and almost 1, though neither of them are the purpose of this post. I grew up a pretty typical millennial, very supportive of the early LGBTQ+ movement and all my friends back when we pretended 'ally' was like a valuable label lol. Thing is I am none of those things and sadly I realize i have become a bit out-of-touch I fear, nowadays my only involvement is... like I don't skip the Dimension20 seasons or Dropout shows that are centered on drag creators lol. I support some creators I enjoy, donate sometimes, and... that's about it. I'm suddenly aware that I am not very open about being supportive of all human rights, but I truly do want to be better about that. I just don't know how.

My... nephew though I hesitate to use that pronoun is why I make this post. I am sorry to speculate and... make assumptions like this but I think they might be Trans or at least be curious or thinking about it. Maybe they are just non gender-conforming or something I don't know and frankly I don't care, I'd like to support them however they identify or help them figure it out if they need to.

They are my older sister's child and are 16 years old, they've grown wayyyyyy more quiet, closed off, and shy recently though the change has been slow enough and I am removed enough that I couldn't put a precise timeline on it. Probably the last year or two at most. This frustrated their mom a lot and she talks to me about it, I try to be supportive as her brother and a fellow parent but I've also been freaking out as their uncle and some who thinks I see the signs but also doesn't want to jump to conclusions or mess anything up for them. For the record I think my sister also sees the signs but she knows even less than I do and admits that, and she is more worried about their school performance and future prospects which is fair but I don't think she realizes how identity feeds into success in other life aspects. She also seems more focused on how the way they choose to express themselves is going to cause them to be 'made fun of' or otherwise suffer socially which I don't necessarily agree with, we live in California after all and we get to choose who we associate with for the most part the only aspect I'd be concerned about is family which is a problem yeah. His dad is definitely not progressive in any matter of the word, I hesitate to call him a bigot and I don't think he is actively hateful but he definitely does not care at all about any of this and would say he doesn't 'get' it while also not confronting the fact that he wouldn't want to even think about trying to 'get' it if you know what I mean? Meanwhile my older brother is a straight up loud MAGA man so... yeah I get why my nephew might not feel safe to come out. Or maybe none of that matters and they still just haven't figured it out yet, that's fair I just don't know.

Here's the thing, there are two major sticking points between the family and them (other than also the quiet/closed off thing which is a big deal but also always hard to tell if thats just general teen angst or something deeper) and those two things are:

-They have grown their hair out to incredible length, like all the way down their back and they are about 6' so thats impressive and has taken some guts on their part. They have definitely been getting pressured by their parents to cut it, and have said that they might want to... but they want bangs. Their parents hate this.

-They refuse to cut their nails. Look I don't know if this is bad to say but this seems like a poor choice to me? From like a hygiene perspective. They are crazy long at this point, like I think too long even more most females but idk maybe I wouldn't say that if they weren't born male? Maybe they need to learn how to (and feel allowed to!) take care of them at long length? I don't know.

Also I will say, and I admit this might be wildly speculative on my part, but their clothing style and choices lately seem to be moving far more androgynous and not gender conforming. But also maybe I just don't know what Gen Z style is at their age. And one more small thing that feels like it might be a big thing, their mom told me that they have really been into butterflies and butterfly imagery, like when prompted at a Home Depot for decor they picked out a big metal butterfly thing... that straight up seems like a smoking gun to me and my sister too but hey maybe butterflies are just cool... right? Butterflies are cool, right?

I think that my sister is just to close to the situation that my nephew can't confide in her, especially when her husband is probably a big part of the reason they might not feel safe. Their parents relationship can kind of vary between good and on the fucming rocks sometimes so I also wonder if they are afraid of being the cause of some big issue, though I would tell them their parents have their OWN issues and thats not on them. Their dad isn't a bad guy per se, but he can be an ass and there have been both times I have gotten along really well with him and times I've straight up told my sister she should leave him lol. So like... if there are issues there it isn't anyone's fault but their own.

I feel like I should do something, like maybe I can help be a bridge even if it isn't easy, I for one do tend to think situations may not be easy but they are never easy and it is better to do the fucking hard thing and live in a way you can be happy than just live unhappy because the happiness seems too hard. But I also recognize that I say that as a cishet white man for whom happiness has always been easy, and I know for some folk if it is easier and safer to never be open that can be a legitimate way to live. I really just want them to have the option and know there would be support.

I don't know if it helps but I've been wracking my brain for ways I could broach this with them in a more organic manner. I tend to bond most with them via shared interests, primarily Dungeons & Dragons though I sadly have not had time to play with them... I should make the time, I think it could be a really good in if I just offered to run a game for them and their friends, maybe take it out of their house, would it be too obvious or cringe to sprinkle in bunch of diverse NPCs? Hmm. Unfortunately since my second kid was born I personally had to cancel my normal D&D group, a weekly or even biweekly multi-hour commitment is so hard to make, but anything less can be so unsatisfying lol.

Any other recommendations on how I might connect with them in such a way as to create a safe space? Any other subs that I could look into, ask around? Maybe some really soecific niche ones lol? No joke we are taking a family Vacation soon and my sister told them she wanted them to pick 'an activity' to do and they chose a surf lesson, my sister asked me to help arrange it and now I am literally wondering hard it would be to find an openly queer surf instructor in Honolulu, I feel like that could really help them open up and have a good time. I'm also thinking I should look into kid-friendly queer spaces in Honolulu but I don't know how to look that up everything I got back after a quick search seemed very adult-focused...

Anyways, any and all suggestions or tips would be appreciated. If anything I said came off as offensive please let me know and I will correct!

Hello,

Im not sure in which subreddit to ask this. Please bear with me, I feel a bit lost as a parent.

My child is 6. Since age 3, she started telling me she wants to be a boy. She enjoyed playing with boys and all things considered "boyish". Has also always asked to have very short hair.

I thought it was a phase. When I asked why does she not want to be a girl, she told me is because she found boys cooler, funnier, faster, etc. I've been trying to do my best to show her women are great, and that is beautiful to be a girl, and can also be strong, and fast - and that boys can have long hair and girls, short.

This idea has never past. She will keep asking "when can I become a boy", or "I would like to have a boy body". Things like this. Today she told me she hated herself. I got worried, and sat down to talk. She told me is because she is not a boy.

I feel really sad because this is new to me and I don't know how to best support her? Can anyone share with me their story? How did you feel supported as a kid? I feel like Im failing her and I just don't know exactly how to discuss this with her. Maybe there is also books I could read to her?

Thank you for reading.

I'm 80 percent attracted to women and 20 percent attracted to men but would date all genders. What is this called? Rarely trans and non binary people

Throwaway for obvious reasons. I am a transsexual man (19, FtM), my friend is a cisgender girl (18, F).

We have been friends for over a year and we clicked really well. She understands me, I understand her. She is a really secretive person due to her mental illness and trauma, but she has opened up to me multiple times, so I believe she feels comfortable around me, and the comfort is mutual.

Overall I'd say she's a really good friend. There have been ups and downs, of course, due to us both having untreated mental illnesses, but we're both emotionally mature enough to talk things through and solve what has to be solved. We don't shy away from difficult conversations because we both want to keep our friendship and make the best out of it.

For a long time I considered myself to be strictly attracted to men. There has been a "phase" of mine years ago when I thought I was bisexual and I cannot lie, I to this day check out good looking women from time to time.

I am to a degree attracted to women, but I considered the attraction to be too minimal to label myself as bisexual. I find women to be beautiful and they drive me crazy sometimes, but I could never envision myself in a long-term relationship with one or even something intimate since we have the same equipment, you could say.

Whileas with men, I can imagine something long-term. When I daydream about a "potential partner", it was always a man.

My point being, I have developed feelings for my girl friend, feelings which go deeper than casual friendship.

The way I had realised I have fallen in love might have been kind of a-holish; It happened after we had an argument due to her mental illness. I ended our friendship because I thought it was too much and I feared that my own mental issues would only make her worse and create this "echo chamber" of negativity making her spiral into even worse habits. So I left.

I move on from people pretty quickly, even people I had loved. When I initiate no-contact I never go back. But with her I couldn't move on, I thought I was going insane without her by my side.

I had realised that I loved her more than a friend. I caught myself thinking about holding her, kissing her and whatnot.

I broke no contact and fortunately, we were able to resolve some things. That argument made her see things more clearly and now she's willing to heal and recover.

I know recovery is not linear; I expect that darker times will come. But as long as I see that she's willing to heal and get better, I have no problem with staying by her side no matter how dark it gets and help her to acheive a better future.

However, each time we talk now, my heart jumps a little. I melt at the sound of her voice and I can't stop those thoughts and desires about her being my girlfriend. It's like I fall in love with her more with each day.

Now, here is where the problem arises; Until now, I believed I was attracted only to men. I could never imagine a future with a woman before (I am the "dating to marry" type, I'd never go for something casual just for the sake of being in a relationship).

With her, I can evnvision my future clearly, but I am still afraid that if I were to confess, I may change my mind, realise that I really am only attracted to men and hurt her in the process, which is the last thing I'd want to do.

Secondly, perhaps it's only my gender dysphoria talking, but I feel like I won't be adequate for her as a boyfriend. She had a rough life and I'd like to be her pillar, a man who would protect her and take care of her.

I'm not on HRT yet so I don't feel manly enough for her. I do train, I do try to be strong, but I still fear like it's not what she really deserves.

About me being trans also, I don't think she's the kind of person to mind, but I can't ever be sure.

I know for a fact that she's asexual, and I don't mind. I don't think intimacy in bed is the most important thing and I can live without it without any problem.

Recently, we started flirting jokingly. Sometimes she calls me her "husband" and some things she says make it seem like she's catching onto me and my feelings for her and now I'm panicking because I'm not quite sure what exactly to do.

I don't care whether we're dating or not despite the feelings I have for her. As long as she's my friend and talking to me I am happy. I'd rather remain friends and have her in my life than confess and potentially ruin the friendship we have.

There's too many questions I am asking myself now;

Should I wait until things become more clear to me? Should I confess to her soon or wait for a longer time? Am I just overthinking everything? Am I actually just gay and is this confession an irrational thing to do? Am I truly attracted to women (her in particular), too?

I'd appreciate any advice and opinion regarding any of this. I don't want to rush head-first into things and hurt her. She is really important to me. I am just confused about my feelings and everything.

Thank you in advance.

I came out years ago, almost a decade. But I still get scared of being “exposed” as I did suffered a lot of extreme homophobia some years ago (eg, more than once, a guy put a knife in my throat for not wanting to be with them + another woman - obs: I’m a bisexual woman). Any advice?

A few months ago I started seeing someone, the first time we were intimate she was very dominant and didn't really let me touch her because she was on her period but then the second time we kind of both switched which is how I would like it to be, kind of like taking turns. But these last months I'm usually the one giving, and I enjoy it a lot because I'm very attracted to her...but when I do ask her to do something to me, she's inmediately rushing me to finish (not in a bad way, in a flirty way like "give it to me now" etc) BUT it's hard for me to enjoy it because I kind of feel like she's not enjoying giving...I do enjoy giving when we're together, I'm not doing it just for her to finish, I enjoy doing it...but it doesn't feel like she enjoys doing it to me. She's told me she has enjoyed being a "pillow princess" which she didn't use to be...I really don't understand the psychology behind that. How should I go about that? Just asking her to do things to me more often? Lately I don't even let her do anything because I get stressed or nervous about the idea of being rushed. I'm usually the one wearing the strap and today I asked her if she could use it on me, and I asked her to do some foreplay first but she said "You don't deserve it" (we're both kind of into the dominant/punishing thing) BUT I kept feeling like that was another sign of her just wanting to get it over with.