Am I a Lesbian? (LENGTHY)
Hii! I, a teenage girl, am currently—as per the title—struggling with coming to terms with/labeling my sexuality. For context, I’ve always loved learning new things about myself, and this will add onto that regardless of the answer. I’ve shifted from Omnisexual, to unlabeled, to bisexual since 2020 (when I first really started really finding out about the different array of labels in the queer community—I’ve been queer all my life, I was just fascinated to find all the different categories). And just recently, I’ve figured out that I also align with the aromantic spectrum, so that makes asking all these online quizzes that much harder for me (little attraction, so it’s there but it doesn’t occur as often and I definitely just don’t have as much center around it in my life as my alloromantic peers). However, it’s a question that I can feel has been floating around myself for quite a while, and trust me, I’ve TRIEDDD to ignore it for the longest time. Like literally 😭😭 throughout all of my experiences. At this point, I’m just tired of contemplating it; I know no answer is for certain and sexuality is definitely a fluent thing, but I seriously just want this out of my way. And of course as a sapphic woman I’ve dabbled in women enough to know that I’m definitely attracted to them!
But of right now, the thing that’s accelerating my thoughts about the whole ordeal is my current (and first) boyfriend. And it’s not that he’s a bad guy, if anything he’s perfect. He literally checks off every single box—he’s creative and in improv, perfect balance of that with sports since he’s athletic and a school record holding track athlete, we’re basically the same person so he’s funny and has a personality that I like, and absolutely handsome look-wise since he’s tall, has dreads, and abs. but the relationship just feels really…flat. Like I feel like I’m the one carrying it most of the time since he’s shy and doesn’t take much initiative and it honestly feels more like we’re friends than anything else. I definitely knew this risk when we started dating over the summer, but the relationship just isn’t going good. BUT ANYWAYSSS I said all that to say, he’s starting to make me question even more than I already have been because I’m looking at him and wondering: “he’s literally perfect? If I wouldn’t really want a person like him, who WOULD I want?”
And the more I think about it, the more I realize the confusing part is: I’ve had more crushes on guys in my life number-wise, but they’ve never felt that deep. With men it’s usually like “oh he’s cool/mysterious/attractive” and then it fades. I’m more attracted to the aura than anything else but with women, it’s always felt way more intense and emotional and it sticks with me for a long time.
I’ve never really felt like I “clicked” with a guy the way I have with girls. Like for example (and really my only example that I think is worth mentioning) is the relationship I used to have about 4 years ago with this girl that I met online. We bonded over being tall for our ages in a tiktok comment section 💀💀 but we ended up clicking really well. We would talk almost everyday for 2 years, she actively pursued me, called me gorgeous and reassured me with pet names and showing she was obviously attracted to me, we did relationship trends together, had the same interests, I loved her goth aesthetic. But above all else I honestly just remember the way she made me feel. I don’t even think I can put it into words. She made such an impression on me that she’s literally the face of my love life 🥹 she’s the standard I hold all of my crushes and relationships to. She even asked me out 3 times, and patiently waited for me each time I said no (we both already knew that it wasn’t because I didn’t want her—we were both just young and I wasn’t ready since I was still coming to terms with myself and trying to come out to my pastor—SUPPORTIVE—dad). She still comes to mind as a reference point for emotional connection 🤨 I still have her number and her socials but we don’t talk as much anymore. But don’t get me wrong, above all, what I miss is the kind of emotional connection she represented.
BUT I SAID ALL THAT TO SHOW AN EXAMPLE OF HOW DEEP MY FEMALE CONNECTIONS ARE TO MY MALES ONES ✋🏾✋🏾✋🏾 ones obviously more shallow than the other, and it always follows that trend. Honestly, to close out, I don’t think my biggest capstone is even the label itself; it’s what comes with it. Identity as a lesbian and coming out as one locks me into an identity with WAYYY less wiggle room than bisexual and I just don’t know if I’m ready for that. And even more, it’s harder for me to accept the fact that I just might not be attracted to men in that way. Like I know I’m keeping hope alive by hiding behind a bi flag but I also know that I’m only doing it because I know life would be easier for me if I just ended up with a man. I genuinely hope that I could have a connection with that man because I know life would be simpler for me if I found a good boyfriend I could have my own biological kids, and if I married a man, I’d feel way less guilty if I did. BUT I know at the same time, if I did, I would always mourn what I could have had with a woman. Heteronormativity really got to me that way, even though I’ve had TONS of queer experience and exposure!!
Let me know what you guys think! Again, SORRY ABOUT THE RANTS I KNOW ITS LENGTHY BUTTT HELPPPP PLEASE YALL 😭🙏 ill post this in a few different communities to get more opinions too! 💗