u/DrivingDM

Look I don't know if this is the right way to do this and I am happy to hear any advice, but I am going to use they/them pronouns for the teen who is the topic of this question/post as much as possible. They have not expressed any preferred pronouns to me and part of the problem here is I don't know how to ask without just sounding like a cringey uncle "So how about them they/thems huh???"... AFAIK they are currently going by their gender assigned at birth which is male, and by AFAIK what I mean is that is what they are openly going by with their family but I suspect they may be more open with their friends/online community. If this sort of speculating is in poor taste I apologize.

First off a bit about me just to... I don't know, put my head space into perspective. I am a 33yo cishet man living in SoCal. I have two kids of my own, 3 and almost 1, though neither of them are the purpose of this post. I grew up a pretty typical millennial, very supportive of the early LGBTQ+ movement and all my friends back when we pretended 'ally' was like a valuable label lol. Thing is I am none of those things and sadly I realize i have become a bit out-of-touch I fear, nowadays my only involvement is... like I don't skip the Dimension20 seasons or Dropout shows that are centered on drag creators lol. I support some creators I enjoy, donate sometimes, and... that's about it. I'm suddenly aware that I am not very open about being supportive of all human rights, but I truly do want to be better about that. I just don't know how.

My... nephew though I hesitate to use that pronoun is why I make this post. I am sorry to speculate and... make assumptions like this but I think they might be Trans or at least be curious or thinking about it. Maybe they are just non gender-conforming or something I don't know and frankly I don't care, I'd like to support them however they identify or help them figure it out if they need to.

They are my older sister's child and are 16 years old, they've grown wayyyyyy more quiet, closed off, and shy recently though the change has been slow enough and I am removed enough that I couldn't put a precise timeline on it. Probably the last year or two at most. This frustrated their mom a lot and she talks to me about it, I try to be supportive as her brother and a fellow parent but I've also been freaking out as their uncle and some who thinks I see the signs but also doesn't want to jump to conclusions or mess anything up for them. For the record I think my sister also sees the signs but she knows even less than I do and admits that, and she is more worried about their school performance and future prospects which is fair but I don't think she realizes how identity feeds into success in other life aspects. She also seems more focused on how the way they choose to express themselves is going to cause them to be 'made fun of' or otherwise suffer socially which I don't necessarily agree with, we live in California after all and we get to choose who we associate with for the most part the only aspect I'd be concerned about is family which is a problem yeah. His dad is definitely not progressive in any matter of the word, I hesitate to call him a bigot and I don't think he is actively hateful but he definitely does not care at all about any of this and would say he doesn't 'get' it while also not confronting the fact that he wouldn't want to even think about trying to 'get' it if you know what I mean? Meanwhile my older brother is a straight up loud MAGA man so... yeah I get why my nephew might not feel safe to come out. Or maybe none of that matters and they still just haven't figured it out yet, that's fair I just don't know.

Here's the thing, there are two major sticking points between the family and them (other than also the quiet/closed off thing which is a big deal but also always hard to tell if thats just general teen angst or something deeper) and those two things are:

-They have grown their hair out to incredible length, like all the way down their back and they are about 6' so thats impressive and has taken some guts on their part. They have definitely been getting pressured by their parents to cut it, and have said that they might want to... but they want bangs. Their parents hate this.

-They refuse to cut their nails. Look I don't know if this is bad to say but this seems like a poor choice to me? From like a hygiene perspective. They are crazy long at this point, like I think too long even more most females but idk maybe I wouldn't say that if they weren't born male? Maybe they need to learn how to (and feel allowed to!) take care of them at long length? I don't know.

Also I will say, and I admit this might be wildly speculative on my part, but their clothing style and choices lately seem to be moving far more androgynous and not gender conforming. But also maybe I just don't know what Gen Z style is at their age. And one more small thing that feels like it might be a big thing, their mom told me that they have really been into butterflies and butterfly imagery, like when prompted at a Home Depot for decor they picked out a big metal butterfly thing... that straight up seems like a smoking gun to me and my sister too but hey maybe butterflies are just cool... right? Butterflies are cool, right?

I think that my sister is just to close to the situation that my nephew can't confide in her, especially when her husband is probably a big part of the reason they might not feel safe. Their parents relationship can kind of vary between good and on the fucming rocks sometimes so I also wonder if they are afraid of being the cause of some big issue, though I would tell them their parents have their OWN issues and thats not on them. Their dad isn't a bad guy per se, but he can be an ass and there have been both times I have gotten along really well with him and times I've straight up told my sister she should leave him lol. So like... if there are issues there it isn't anyone's fault but their own.

I feel like I should do something, like maybe I can help be a bridge even if it isn't easy, I for one do tend to think situations may not be easy but they are never easy and it is better to do the fucking hard thing and live in a way you can be happy than just live unhappy because the happiness seems too hard. But I also recognize that I say that as a cishet white man for whom happiness has always been easy, and I know for some folk if it is easier and safer to never be open that can be a legitimate way to live. I really just want them to have the option and know there would be support.

I don't know if it helps but I've been wracking my brain for ways I could broach this with them in a more organic manner. I tend to bond most with them via shared interests, primarily Dungeons & Dragons though I sadly have not had time to play with them... I should make the time, I think it could be a really good in if I just offered to run a game for them and their friends, maybe take it out of their house, would it be too obvious or cringe to sprinkle in bunch of diverse NPCs? Hmm. Unfortunately since my second kid was born I personally had to cancel my normal D&D group, a weekly or even biweekly multi-hour commitment is so hard to make, but anything less can be so unsatisfying lol.

Any other recommendations on how I might connect with them in such a way as to create a safe space? Any other subs that I could look into, ask around? Maybe some really soecific niche ones lol? No joke we are taking a family Vacation soon and my sister told them she wanted them to pick 'an activity' to do and they chose a surf lesson, my sister asked me to help arrange it and now I am literally wondering hard it would be to find an openly queer surf instructor in Honolulu, I feel like that could really help them open up and have a good time. I'm also thinking I should look into kid-friendly queer spaces in Honolulu but I don't know how to look that up everything I got back after a quick search seemed very adult-focused...

Anyways, any and all suggestions or tips would be appreciated. If anything I said came off as offensive please let me know and I will correct!

**TL,DR;** actually there is no tldr, you are objectively correct and should just move on this got away from me I should probably seek therapy.

And/or am I unreasonable for it becoming a bigger and bigger deal in my marriage?

So for context my wife and I are both 33. We are new-ish parents, we have a 3.5yo boy and a girl who will be turning 1 next month.

Sex has become literally nonexistent. Intimacy in general has.

I know this is a pretty common... problem, but I think its worse in our situation from both sides. Honestly some times I beat myself up because I think I always knew this would be a problem and I stuck with it knowing it would only get worse. My wife and I have been together for... 14 years now, we were about 20 when we first got together and as usual for young couples we had plenty of sex and related activities, but I think even then I might have had a feeling that uh... how do I put this without being too graphic? She was never... 'into it' that much, looking back I think she just wanted to keep me happy. Its not like I didnt try to help her enjoy it more, I really did, but typically she wanted to keep things... brief. Sometimes I wonder if she might have some repressed homosexuality, or if she might be ace but doesn't have the knowledge of self-awareness to identify as such. She has a lot of intimacy issues that I think stem from her parents, as well as some depression and anxiety disorders for which she takes medication that I understand further dampens any libido she might have. I can't speak a lot to it because she doesn't speak to me a lot in general, I've tried she just tends to be a closed book.

Anyways all this to say I kick myself in the ass about this all the time because part of me feels like I should have known better. It seems so obvious now, I really did and do love her and she is a wonderful partner... but the sex has *always* been an issue. In contrast, I have a pretty high sex drive, maybe more than the typical man even and thats pretty high. When we decided to 'try' for a kid was probably the most sex we ever had in our relationship, going at it almost daily for nearly 2 years and that was one if the happiest periods of my life lol... it took a while for us to get pregnant thay first time, and of course sex fell off nearly entirely after that which I understood. I expected as much in general but she actually had some post-birth complications that made recovery take longer than expected.

Fast forward to about 2 years later and when she was finally healed and I finally got laid *exactly once*... and boom. Just like that she was pregnant again. Now this was in part my fault, I could not bring myself to practice literally *any* form of safety that one glorious time, I literally said "fuck it, theres no way she's gonna get pregnant after just ONE TIME..." and as they say God laughed or whatever. Its fine, we had pretty much already come to the conclusion that we wanted a second kid just not already, it was like a year at least ahead of schedule we had talked about wanting our son to be potty-trained first.

That one time was the last time... and maybe I am being too doom and gloom about it but I have this sinking feeling that given the chances I might literally never get laid again. That sounds dramatic I know but it really feels true. There were no complications this time, she is doing fine physically. Parenting is tough but we have it down pretty well I think... the second baby is tougher than the first for several reasons but we are still doing alright. But intimacy at large is at an all-time low and any sort of sexual contact is completely nonexistent. Its not *just* the whole being parents thing either, given the chance of perfect conditions (babysitters obtained, nice date out, privacy accomplished) she still flatly and completely turns me down. We don't even cuddle anymore.

I know part of this is overstimulation for her part. I get it, really I do. The baby is needy and *very* attached to her mom, she often struggles with how clingy she is and has expressed in part at least that she is 'all touched out'. I want to be understanding of that I really do, but part of it is starting to feel like excuse, no matter how much I do or no matter what kind of help I arrange for her nothing changes.

It's not like I'm not trying, I really am. I fucking love being a dad and I love my family it hurts to say all this and I might just delete it. I am the only one that works, she is a SaHM and that was her choice, like honestly I wasn't really part of the decision she let me know about nine months after our son was born (she had been on maternity leave) that her work had called to ask when she was coming back and she told them she wasn't. I was fine with that, I like it even I wanted our kid to have a parent around even if money was tight we made it work, even when at one point our son was in a full time daycare and she still wasnt considering working I was fine with it. And now with two kids I'm even more happy she is there for them, I've tried talking to her about if she ever wants to go back to work and maybe I could look at going part-time or taking leave if she needed a break from the house but she has never been interested.

And its not like I leave all the parenting amd housework to her either, most days after work I come home, do a couple of chores, eat dinner with the fam, and then once we are finishing eating the first thing I ask my wife is if she needs a shower or just a break. At least 3/5 days of the week I load the kids up for a walk, take them to the park, and give her a couple hours to do whatever she needs to. Then when I come back home she takes the baby for a bottle and puts her to sleep while I take the toddler to wind down, read a story, brush teeth, and go to bed. I always keep an eye and an ear out for her with the baby, and there have been plenty of nights when she is particular tough and I have taken over, I've literally spent entire nights with the baby in my recliner so my wife could just sleep. More often than that, if the baby wakes up early in the morning I will get up with her (I'm a morning person anyways, so 3 or 4 am is a perfectly reasonable cutoff point for me most nights) and keep her for as long as I can until I absolutely have to leave for work, or if it is the weekend I even handle the toddler when he wakes up too and let my wife sleep in. On the weekends I am completely plugged-in and we usually spend the day as a family.

All this to say, I don't feel like I'm not trying or that my wife is over extended to the point where intimacy should be completely out of the question... on the contrary some times I feel like I do so much that I'm drowning in a fight that feels futile, like no matter what I do it will never be enough. I've started hating the way I look, I began taking my health seriously before my son was born, got into the gym finally at the age of thirty, put on some muscle and started dieting too, I am actually down from a high of 283lbs to currently 205lbs and hoping to be under 200 for the first time of my adult life by ~mid July. Despite being in the best shape of my life I still feel fat and weak half the time, and even beyond that I hate my smile and think frequently about getting dentures or something.

And when I'm not feeling down about myself I start thinking that maybe I'd be better off if I just bit the bullet and got a divorce. I haven't admitted this to anyone yet but even though my wife and I agreed we don't want any more kids... I haven't gone through with getting my vasectomy yet, not because I am scared or that I dont want to but part of me feels like I should keep the possibility of having another kid on the table just in case...

I can't stand the thought of being apart from my son and daughter though, and I wouldn't want to take them from her either I think she is a great mom I just don't always feel like she is a great wife. People often say the only thing worse for kids than their parents being divorced is their parents being unhappy together... the problem is are we unhappy? Is it just a me problem? And if it is then am I wrong? Shee doesn't treat me poorly, and I think given the chance she would happily live the rest of her life like this, with little intimacy and zero sex between the two of us... and I dont know maybe I need to learn to live with that. Maybe I am over reacting and none of this is as serious as it feels, maybe we are just new parents and still adjusting.

I apologize I think this has turned into far more of a rant and gut-spilling than I intended and now that there is so much I can't quite bring myself to delete it even though I seriously question if anyone can provide any answers other than seek therapy lol... maybe.

Anyways, happy later father's day ya'll. Hope you had a better Monday than I did. I'm gonna try to go to sleep and stop spiraling I think...