u/Global_Vanilla4107

I am 20 and I am in my last semester of college. I don't remember a time when I was happy but I do know that there are times, seconds or milliseconds when I feel hopeful and believe that it gets better. My brother made me promise that I will journal everyday - no my fam doesn't know but they are aware of my erratic mood swings. Anyway I was writing and then I started to think about the last 5 years? Was it that bad? Am I exaggerating things and victimising myself? and I don't remember most of it but whatever I could remember - I realised it was so so much worse than I remember. I once punched myself and broke a bone. I regularly take non-fatal but extremely harmful amount of pills, I have on occasion taken an amount sufficient to end my life, at one point I was burning myself regularly and at one point I was cutting myself regularly. I do remember this one month of “happiness” when I stopped eating - maximum 300 cals a day and lost weight and that high was the best I have ever felt. Then I gained it allllll back and that only made it worse because all I had left was being “skinny” and people adoring me when I couldn't bear to like myself. I gave my university exams without god knows how. One day at my office people thought I was bitten by a bee because of how swollen I was. I always thought or told myself the my sadness was truly something I created to have an excuse to be lazy and all suicidal tendencies and self harm was a gimmick to get attention, but is it a gimmick if no one but me knows about it? Now I don't know if it gets better - actually I do believe it does but I also believe im not capable of it. Everyday I wake up and make my life worse. I am responsible and I want to “fix” it but I don't know how to