I made myself way too "convenient" when we started dating, and now I’m bitter that my husband never actually had to chase me.
I’ve been sitting with this heavy, ugly feeling lately, and I’m finally realizing where it’s coming from. My husband (M25) and I (F24) have been together for three years and married for a little over a year. While we have a "stable" life and he is a genuinely kind person, I am absolutely starving for an intensity that just isn't there.
Looking back to when we were 21, I was the one who did all the heavy lifting. I was the driver. I pursued him, I initiated, and I basically made the path to "us" as smooth and easy as humanly possible. I made myself so "convenient" for him that he never had to experience the vulnerability of actually winning me over. He never had to wonder if he’d "get the girl" or take a real risk to prove I was worth the effort.
The problem is, because I did all that work at the start, he never developed the "muscle" for pursuing me. Now, I’m stuck with this deep resentment. I want to feel like he’s actually obsessed with me—the kind of flirting where he can’t help himself, or the kind of hunger where it drives him a little crazy just to be around me. I want to feel like a "goal" to him, but I honestly just feel like his "comfort." The comfort I made the mistake of providing without ever making him work for it.
I’ve tried talking to him. I’ve been vulnerable, I’ve been angry, and I’ve told him I want a "redo"—I want him to actually chase me for a change. He listens, he validates me, and he tells me he understands... and then nothing changes. I am so tired of being validated with words but met with zero action.
Lately, it feels like his favorite word is "trying." But every time I complain about the lack of effort, he just gets "scared" to do anything at all. He’s so paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake that he stays passive. It’s reached a point where I occasionally find myself getting "icked" out by his behavior or certain quirks, and then I feel intense guilt for even feeling that way because I do love him.
But I don’t feel like I take his breath away. Not the way he does mine. I don’t want "nice" and I don’t want "safe" right now. I want to feel WANTED, but I don’t know if he’s ever going to succeed in making me feel that way if he’s too scared to even try.
Is it even possible to build that kind of "chase" and intensity years into a marriage when you skipped it at the start? How do I get a man to stop being so "scared" and actually start pursuing me? Has anyone else successfully shifted this, or am I just stuck being the "Manager" who is never truly wanted?