u/Gloomy-Leather8052

I am ashamed embarassed and just so guilty to admit this.
I get physical when i am angry. Like something takes over me.

I grew up having a rough childhood. from being my mother's therapist to the one receiving her physical and emotional abuse and an emotionally unavailable father-From slut shaming when I was young to being called my fathers whore just because I took his side once to being called names when I screamed in pain due to the beating that maybe I want my neighbours to hear me and being called names that i cant even fathom to think of even for an enemy.

I get pretty mad- I lose all control and hit my dad/ mum in anger. rarely my mum but i do get back at her when she hits me first. Most like on the arm or back. All my childhood my mum took her anger out on me. From trying to sit on me-imagine like 70+ kgs on a child who's barely 12 or even less. My family dynamics fucked up my mental health pretty bad. I am devastated of how shit of a child I am and how my parents deserve so much better.
I can't begin to tell how much I resent myself due to this. Whenever I do so I see myself becoming more like my mum. And I hate it and also myself of why I get myself into this.
They curse me when I do so and I am fully aware of that. I am scared of me turning into a monster. I am scared of what their curses will do to me and I am terrified of the person I am becoming day by day.
I am stuck at home for one more year. The main reason we fight is family issues and my studies. my mum still rants to me and I try to fight my dad for her. then my dad in his classical way taunts me that Its better if i worked on my failures and it gets pretty worse.

Sometimes I think what if people around me come to know what i do to my parents!

I am looking forward to see a doctor but I am scared to open up to them at this level.
Kindly advice me on how to deal with this issue.

BHAI OC K LIYE KONSE ONE SHOTS KRU?????

Which colleges accept you with no language or aptitude test in CUET?