Does anyone else have this female loneliness problem?
As a kid I was taught how to deal with unwanted advances & to be wary of men (my mom has always been skinny & beautiful, and has had very negative experiences bc of it) Unfortunately, I was left completely unprepared for the loneliness & rejection I deal with instead.
I always see men online talking about how much they want to get hit on. Real life men are way less desperate, and I think I come across as more of a creep or best case I just seem polite (I smile at ppl/ give the occasional compliment, scared to do more than that)
A couple months ago I got a new co-worker, she's very beautiful (first really attractive woman my age I've been friends with) and she's always talking about the men she's rejecting/flirting with. (She enjoys being pretty)
The problem is, when I'm around my mom or this coworker, I'm so consumed with envy & shame. My mom thinks I'm lucky to not deal with all the male attention, and I think if my co-worker knew how much of an incel I am she'd just get a kick out of it.
I know I'm lucky to have never been SAd, but it feels shitty to miss out on that solidarity/ trauma bond with other women. And it hurts to see how much friendlier people are with them.
I was so shut off as a kid, I can't even explain it. It wasn't until high school that I realized how disgusted/uninterested people were in me, and I feel like I missed out on so much socializing as a kid that I'll never be able to make up for it. Maybe if I had the fun personality my co-worker does things would be better.
So I'm left with: ugly, overweight(180lbs), tall(5'8) awkward, incompetent, and unpleasant. And I'm just so LUCKY to have NEVER faced any ACTUAL abuse in my life.
Sorry for the long post, just had to put it somewhere. I just wanna know if there's anyone in my corner
Edit: thank you all for your insight and support. There are 2 things I'd like to address:
I'm hearing a lot of 'you're underestimating yourself'. I found out today with 100% proof that I was being bullied by a couple of people at work a few months ago. I think this especially really fucked with my head, and I think it brought me back into the same negative headspace I was at in high school. I'm going to find either an adult beginner ballet class or a spanish class, because I really need to bring value to my life. Thank you everyone encouraging me to focus on hobbies & self worth
Thank you to those of you who called me out for my negative views towards assault victims. I know I'm lucky to have not faced sexual abuse, and I didn't mean to go as misogynistic as I did. My closest friend growing up would tell me that because I was never assaulted that meant nothing I felt really mattered (paraphrasing.) Additionally, whenever I tried to reach out to my Mom as a kid, she wouldn't listen & just launch into a lot of trauma dumping about how much worse she had it. I need to work out my complexes about those situations, because if there's anything impacting my ability to connect with other women, that's what it is.
Love you guys, and thank you so much for the support ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️