It’s a warm summer night. We’re sitting on my patio. I’m looking far above into the sky. Listening to you talk. Looking at the stars wondering what could have been. So lost and so in love.
I stopped looking at the sky and looked right at you. It was dark out. No lights really. Our eyes met. Every time our eyes meet it feels so peaceful. I wouldn’t say electric when our eyes meet. That’s our bodies. When I look in your eyes I feel calm. Like the person is looking at my soul. I feel so seen, especially by you.
We were drunk and drunk in love. Why did we lie, why did I lie for so long. All the hidden desires I’ve had. So many racing thoughts.
Nights when you were over and stayed the night. It was so difficult to restrain myself. In a way I didn’t know. Best I ever did was ask for a hug. You always agreed. It was welcoming. Although the best part was I got to smell you. So many moments I would loose my breath. I remember the night I knew we were moving into dangerous waters. You were over and you touched my leg.
But more my thigh. Gently and friendly of course. It only lasted a second. To me, it felt like at least 5 minutes. But that moment. That touch set off feelings. Feelings that became almost too hard to withhold from.
I thought of you. Probably way too much. In times I shouldn’t have. It wasn’t my fault. You ran rampant in my mind. I guess it was my fault? It felt out of my control.
These feelings, emotional and spiritual is something I haven’t felt before. It’s intense. I don’t hate it. But it’s a little unnerving. The years that we were so close. Felt so, so, real. While my reality was good, but it wasn’t you. I couldn’t be with you. So desperately I wanted to.
Hiding these emotions, these feelings was the hardest thing I ever did. How could anyone know my truth. Maybe if I lied to myself it would get better. It didn’t
The more we talked the more I fell in love again. Which didn’t make any sense to me. Because I hadn’t seen you since we were like, what 20? How could it have felt that easy that natural again to be in your presence. Not that I wasn’t nervous. I’m very nervous around you, you make my heart race.
It’s hard to handle all these feelings they have come flooding back. It’s hard even feeling something now for my partner. I’m feeling a lot. Good and bad. I’m a crappy human because I’m selfish. But isn’t it okay to be selfish if it makes you happy? But your happiness will hurt someone. Just I’ve got to choose me. It’s hard and confusing. It’s a lot to drink in.
All I know in the mean time is I will continue to think of you. All of you. Until my face blushes and I have to stop. Because I feel as if I won’t be able to handle it anymore. This weekend my mind has been on fire with you. You don’t have to stop tho.