A donor I trusted was arrested for assault. It made me reconsider a lot.
Or why I am going to a sperm bank after all.
I am posting on a throwaway for obvious reasons. To protect this sub and follow Reddit’s general rules of doxxing please do not name names or any other details. I’m happy to discuss with recipients in DM with more details.
I want to preface this by saying I've had mostly positive experiences in the known donor community, and I know many people have built wonderful families this way. This isn't meant to discredit this form of family building or scare folks away. Until today I was 100% set on finding a known donor through a Facebook group. This is just something that's given me pause, and I think it's worth sharing.
I recently found out that a donor I'd been in contact with for some time was arrested on assault and domestic violence charges. This was someone I considered a friend more so than just a donor. We'd had long conversations and video calls, I felt like I knew their character, and they had a strong reputation in the community. Honestly seeing his ad on Just a Baby made me realize that finding a known donor was something I truly wanted for my family.
Seeing those charges come up in a simple Google search was a gut punch. And it made me think hard about the limits of personal vetting.
The truth is, no matter how well you think you know someone online, you're only seeing what they choose to show you. Background checks help, but they only catch what's already on record. References from other recipients can be gamed. Reputation in the community isn't the same as a clean history. I notice that the donors who advertise themselves the hardest act like used cars salesmen: Great if you don’t look closer.
I'll be honest, I've always been a little skeptical of sperm banks. The costs, the anonymity, the lack of connection. But the more I've sat with this, the more I appreciate what reputable banks actually do: identity verification, genetic testing, criminal background checks, psychological screening, ongoing medical follow-up. That's a level of institutional vetting that I, as an individual, genuinely cannot replicate on my own.
I'm not saying Facebook groups are wrong or that known donors are bad. Plenty of people have great experiences. But I think we sometimes underestimate how much we're relying on trust and gut feeling, and how much can be hidden behind a friendly face and a good reputation.
Stay safe out there. Do your research. And maybe take another look at your options.
Also, mods, if you’re questioning this post from an account with 3 Karma I’m happy to prove who I am to you.