TW: suicidal thoughts
I am a 19 year old trans boy, meaning I was born female but identify as male. I came out of the closet a couple of years ago and my parents still don't support me. I also hate myself, like a lot. I feel disgusted by my own body, face and voice. I feel disgusted for being transgender and weird, I keep asking myself why can't I be a normal girl like I was born like? No matter how many times I force myself to dress up girly or wear make up I hate it and cry. I also feel disgust towards other transgender people I had met, I judge them (not to their faces obviously), and think how they will never be the gender the desire to. I think towards them the same way I think about me.
I wish I never questioned my gender and lived happily as a girl because being trans only made me hate myself more but as I said before, everytime I try to be a woman, I hate it even more and also feel disgusted. I feel like i will never be happy no matter what I do. I know I am not a woman, but that would be an easy life. I would be loved by my parents, have a romantic partner, and could be able to say that I deserve that. I can't be a woman though, I just can't. So my mind keeps telling me I will never be loved and I'm not a real man because I have and will always have a vagina. So being trans makes me think how I don't deserve any good things because I'm unnatural and I will never be loved nor happy with myself.
Sorry it's long, I had to vent. I don't go to therapy because all the therapists I went made me feel worse and I think my only solution in life is to kill myself and never suffer again.
Thanks for reading.