I don’t know if I’m doing this “step mom” thing right and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. Any advice is welcome.
I’m relatively new to being a SM (a year in so far) and I feel like I’m so lost and overwhelmed with everything. Please forgive me as I navigate through trying to get it all out. I do hope this makes enough sense for someone to lend me a guiding hand in my situation. After reading some posts on here I see that a lot of what I’m dealing with is common amongst others step moms and I really have an appreciation for that!
When my partner and I first got together he played this amazing father who was given a bad BM (classic I know please don’t judge me too harshly, I am 23 and this is my first time)
we don’t even have my SD but 2 weekends out of the month (her mom has custody. They were never married and everything in this girls life had been chosen by her mama) before we started to get her on a regular schedule my partner would talk about how much he missed her (I don’t doubt that and I sympathize with him for it) how much he missed out on because of “her” like normal, everything boils down to the baby mom being at fault. I’m not saying she’s totally innocent either but I do think she has matured more as a person than he has since the birth of my my SD and I say this because to him it’s always a fight and to her she simply could care less anymore. She’s not bitter, she makes some decisions that I personally wouldn’t make for myself or my children but who tf am I? That’s a whole other can of worms I probably shouldn’t open in this post but I might in the future.
Anyway, I also want to point out that I’ve been caring for children my entire life, kids are nothing new to me but I’m having a very difficult time deciphering my place in her life, I am not her mother, I am an extension of her father and most of my caring for children has been easy because that’s all it was, caretaking and then I could on about my business. This is like on a whole other level because I feel like I have to do right by this child that I have no actual say over but my influence is ultimately going to help shape them? Wild as all get out. She has recently started calling me mom, or my mama, but I almost flinch when she says it. Don’t get me wrong I am TOUCHED but also I don’t want to correct her and embarrass her or implant anxieties in her about being comfortable with me, I don’t want to replace her mom, I don’t want her mom to feel any sort of way about me, and my partner is just like “oh well” and shrugs and when I try to talk to him about it he just tells me it’s fine and we just don’t acknowledge that it happens.I just answer when she calls me mom or by name. But, here’s the anxiety driver for me, when she refers to her SD as her “dad” my partner will correct her! Tell her that he’s her dad and that the other guy is her mom’s boyfriend. More recently he’s been better with referring to him as her step dad but he still corrects her and I find it incredibly confusing for both her and I.
I’ve also had a way harder time bonding with her than she had with me because for her, I put on the smile and I act like I know exactly what I’m doing, I show her as much love as I can, I make activities for us to do together, the works. On the surface we have a wonderful relationship and bond but for me, I harbor a lot of what I think is resentment towards my partner underneath because while I’m actively spending time with her, he’s on his phone, not paying attention, barely spending any time with her, I do all the planning, cooking, cleaning, bathing, fun stuff, hard stuff, handle the up’s and downs of the day of a 6 yr old that isn’t mine and he just gets to reap the evidence that she loves it at dads house, he gets to swoop in at bed time and give her attention when I’m trying to get her to go to sleep, he gets all the praise for how well she is with us, he gets to show everyone how good of a father he is at my expense and it makes me dread her visits, I love her I truly do, I’m not her biggest fan but I love her dearly nonetheless but I genuinely dread it because I know all the work im about to be saddled with am I crazy for feeling this way?
Also I don’t know if it’s another woman’s child or what but I feel a primal urge wake up inside me when she gets all lovey with him and it terrifies me to no end because I WANT to be so happy that he finally has his baby and his family even if it is every other weekend, I should be happy that his daughter loves him and still wants to share a closeness with him despite the distance in the past. Truth be told I’m really proud of it actually but it still stirs something in me that I do not like at all. It’s a form of jealousy I have never encountered before and a rage that I know is directed at him and not her but oh my lord is it a struggle to try to contain and smile through so they can share a special moment and bond ( it’s essential I’m not denying them of having a closeness) I think I just wish it was a little different there.
To make matters worse, he’s trying to go for full custody, he wants to put everything we have going on, on hold so we can take her and it’s not out of best interest for her it’s out of his own vendetta against his BM for taking her he claims “we can give her a better life” but in reality we are scraping by as it is and we can barely afford bills after child support. I want to be supportive of him but I also know better, I want so bad to just be like yeah let’s make your dreams happen but it’s gonna crush this little girl if we take her from her mommy. My parents fought over us kids and where we would go and being ripped away from my mother was so hard for us even tho I was doing a majority of the child care, I was still just a little girl who wanted to be with her mommy. I’m morally torn in this situation truly, because my loyalty to my husband says to follow him but, my need to right by this child says do not take that baby from a healthy home where she is taken care of. (again it might not look exactly like how we would do it but the child is alive and happy and thriving who tf are we?) not only that but if we did get her that thrusts me right into the role of full time mother of a 6 yr old and most people have 9 months to prepare for a baby and he wants me to be ready for her any day. idk if my feelings here are rooted because of the constant back and forth of mom and dad growing up, or if it’s because of the weird primal urge I get, or maybe it’s genuinely what is best for her but I have no clue and it’s all driving me crazy joy being able to share this with anyone and get input
Speaking of primal urges, I have this need to watch her like a hawk especially when her and I are with him because it’s like he’s oblivious to his surroundings and what’s going on, I have stopped at least two accidents from happening under his care because he just doesn’t watch for the hazards. This was early in into out visitations that this happened but he has had her multiple times by himself at this point (side note NEVER overnights until me because the BM trust me😭 ANOTHER CAN OF WORMS) he let her cross a busy parking lot by herself, get out the car alone, stand up in a shopping cart, eat nothing but chips and salsa all day, he was ready to send her outside in 90° clear skies with NO SUNSCREEN because “he knows what’s best for his kid” so quietly in the back ground, I keep the cart steady, I hold the hand, I stop the incidents but only here will I be able to take the credit for them because he had no idea.
This turned into me rambling but I think I needed it, thank you for reading and please comment your advice for any of this, or even tell me I’m wrong, any advice helps at this point. I apologize for the volume of the post.