Breaking up with my (20F) first love (20M) of 5 years. I’m devastated and second-guessing everything.
Hi everyone, I’m looking for some perspective because I feel like I’m drowning in guilt and confusion right now.
I just ended a five-year relationship. We’ve been together since I was 15—he was my school sweetheart, my first everything, and honestly, the only person I ever truly envisioned a future with. The thought that he’s gone forever is terrifying.
The thing is, he hasn’t done anything "wrong." He’s been amazing. But for a long time, I’ve felt... weird. Since a major argument we had back in February, things shifted for me and I haven’t been able to get back to where I was. Talking to him started feeling like a task rather than something I looked forward to. On top of that, I’ve been struggling with depression and sleeping a lot, and I started smoking—things he would complain about or make me feel like I was doing "wrong."
I eventually asked for a break because I felt like I wasn't giving him 100% and needed space to process my own head, but one thing led to another and it turned into a full breakup.
Now, I’m in total agony. Seeing him hurt is the worst feeling in the world. My instinct is to just apologize, take it all back, and run back to him—which is a pattern for me. I’ve done that a few times in the past whenever I’ve panicked about losing him.
I miss him so much. I miss everything about him. But I’m struggling with this realization: **Is it possible to love someone deeply but not be "in love" with them anymore?**
I feel like I’m losing my safety net and my future, but I don't know if going back is the right thing or just a way to stop the pain. Has anyone else been through this with a first love? How do you know if you’re making a mistake or if you’ve just outgrown a childhood relationship?
**TL;DR:** I (20F) just broke up with my high school sweetheart of 5 years. He’s amazing and has no major flaws, but I’ve been struggling with depression and lately, talking to him felt like a chore. We’ve had a cycle of me trying to leave and then running back because I can't stand seeing him hurt, but since a big fight in February, I’ve felt "weird" and disconnected. I’m terrified of a future without him, but I’m wondering: is it possible to love someone deeply but not be "in love" with them anymore?