Feeling conflicted: Wanting marriage deeply, but choosing to stay single to protect my peace
Assalamu Alaikum everyone,
I see a lot of posts here about toxic relationships, and having grown up in a household with a verbally abusive father and witnessing my eldest sister go through physical and emotional abuse in her marriages, I used to look at marriage with a lot of cynicism.
But I’m also fortunate. About 90% of my friends are in truly beautiful, healthy marriages. I know good partnerships exist. I am turning 32 soon, and while I know I’m past what society considers a woman's "prime," mentally I have never felt better or more secure in myself. Alhamdulillah, I am highly educated, financially independent, live alone, and pay my own bills. I have always protected my chastity and stayed away from haram relationships.
Because I’ve built this peaceful life, I refuse to let a man enter it just to ruin it. I recently told my parents and others to stop looking for potential matches for me. But if I am being completely honest and I can be, because this is anonymous I feel deeply conflicted.
Deep down, I truly desire a connection. I want to experience life with someone. I want to enjoy the weather with a partner, talk about work, and just live a normal, peaceful life. None of us are immortal. We act like we will live forever, but we will die one day. Allah gave us this life to live, so why are we so fixated on hitting arbitrary societal deadlines or insulting people who haven't matched them?
The real reason I told everyone to stop looking for me isn't because I don't want love. It’s because the arranged matches brought to me simply do not match my intellect or upbringing. When I talk to them, the gap in how we view and experience life is just too wide. I need an intellectual bond, and if someone cannot enhance my life or bring me sakina (tranquility), I would rather be single. If it doesn't happen in this world, maybe my husband is in Jannah, and I am okay with that.
But I feel like a hypocrite sometimes. Is it wrong that I am outwardly saying "I'm not looking," while deeply wanting that beautiful, normal connection? Is it wrong to just stop actively pursuing marriage because the market feels so draining?
I just wanted to share this reflection for anyone else sitting in this quiet, conflicted space.
Note: I am sharing this purely for perspective and reflection. Please do not send me direct messages, advice, or matchmaking requests. I will not be engaging with any PMs.