Hi guys! First time posting in this thread, but I love to lurk. Still working through all 250+ podcast episodes.
My BF and I have been living together for 3.5 years. He normally wakes up before dawn for work. One night after work, I went to see my bestfriend (25F), who dog/house sits as an additional stream of income. BF knows this. I only visit houses with prior consent from the homeowners. I happened to be friends with the family of the house my friend was at this night (we went to the same high school almost a decade ago). BF texted at midnight, saying “It’s sketchy as fuck you going to random houses in the middle of night and not saying shit about it. I have a really hard time trusting that you’re not cheating or breaking my trust when at midnight you’re at random houses without even saying anything.” I informed him that I was with said friend and that was it (I guess he passed out?).
When we spoke the following day, I was very nonchalant about the situation. I explained that I was with said friend, I didn’t think he’d be awake (it was 4 hours before his alarm when he texted me), I didn’t want to wake him (from the text ping), and that I’ve been going to this friend’s personal home address once a week after work - so not being home on time (one day a week) isn’t abnormal for me. I offered him any evidence I could think of (calling said friend, showing pictures of the dogs, etc). He was very adamant that it was suspicious but didn’t care for the evidence. I mentioned that he doesn’t want me talking to other guys (I’m only allowed one male friend, and he’s the only exception because my family has known him). I also mentioned that I have an incredibly low sex drive, and we already struggle with sex in our relationship, so it wasn’t adding up (at least for me - why would I physically cheat when I already don’t care for sex?).
The conversation was pretty difficult for us, and he felt like I was not reacting appropriately to being accused of cheating (not crying, pleading, etc). We ended up moving past this and the conclusion we came to was that I should start telling him where I’m going, before I go. That was fine with me, and I started doing letting him know when I was visiting with anyone, anywhere.
Anyways. The other day, I told him I was going to be getting home a little late as I was helping my sister move into her apartment and our lunch took longer than expected. He wasn’t aware that I would be getting home early, as I previously listed in our shared calendar that I would be working a night shift. We expect each other to update the calendar regularly with work trips/additional shifts/etc so we don’t have to commit these events to memory and potentially forget. He got upset that I did not directly mention to him that my shift was picked up. II was not aware of the shift pickup until the morning of (same day) - to which I immediately updated the calendar (as soon as I knew, he knew). The calendar app sends a push notification to everyone when something is changed/updated/added. Previously, I have not told him when my shift is picked up, and that was not a big deal. It was actually a good thing in the past, as that meant more time for us to spend together.
Prior to all of this, we had discussed that we should keep each other updated on our plans, especially ones that will cut into our time together. I was really confused as not informing him of my shift changes wasn’t an issue previously, and it was updated in the calendar. He said he shouldn’t have to check the calendar daily to keep up with my schedule. Okay, I wasn’t expecting him to do that, but I left it at that.
Fast forward, I get home around the evening. He isn’t home. Typically he’s home by early evening most days, and early afternoon on Fridays (early out day) - if he’s not held at work for work related issues (he works in a plant). I check his location, and it says he’s at a restaurant near his hometown. I don’t text him or follow up as I assumed he was having dinner with family (I haven’t texted him since we discussed my shift, and he hasn’t reached out either). That’s weird as he didn’t mention it, but whatever. He gets home late that night, and doesn’t say anything to me. I’m a little peeved as he had been at the restaurant for 2+ hours, and then spends another hour at his bestfriend’s house - again without informing me.
Finally, after about 15 minutes of being home and piddling about, he approaches me and asks whose house I was at in ABC city. I’m confused, and I mention that I was helping my sister move so that was the only house I was at. He said I was at a house in another city than where her apartment is located. Still confused, I repeat every place I went during the day - only one of which happens to fall in said city, but it was a big box store. Nothing else was said, and he went to bed. He hasn’t said anything to me since then. It has been 3 days. I even asked my sister to review my daily activity through Life360, and confirmed that I was never at a house in ABC city.
I don’t know what to do. I have been cheated on in all of my past relationships. I have never, and will never, cheat. I told my BF early on in our relationship that I would break up with my partner before I cheat on them, as it’s unfair to them. I have never been accused of cheating before, so I wasn’t sure how to handle the situation. I figured remaining calm would help, as defensive behavior screams liar. I feel like I am emotionally exhausted. There have been other controlling behaviors that I have ignored, but this one I can’t seem to shake.
TL;DR: BF falsely accusing me of cheating on him. Is it worth fighting for my innocence?