u/Glum_Abies_6751

I just want to fade away, I don’t know how much longer I keep up the fruitless fight. I’ve always told myself “just keep walking “ regardless of what happens but you can only walk for so long until your legs eventually give out. I feel like I’m living on borrowed time and the voice in my head likes to berate me endlessly about how pathetic and useless it is to keep fighting. I don’t believe anyone can help me, I was supposed to die at 16 but my girlfriend managed to give me 8 more years. I don’t think I’ll make it past 24 and when I do finally go no one will be at my grave but I’m okay with that. I was never destined to know peace and happiness yet that is what I have yearned for all my life.

I am just a wretch though and through and I think everyone around me will be happier once I’m gone. I don’t even know why I try to fight it, I agree with the voice in my head about it being hopeless.

I know no one really cares about me so I’d probably be doing the world a favour by never waking up again.

I want to take a break from my relationship

For context, I struggle severely with mental health and I am in a relationship of 8 years. I want to take a break because I have just started therapy and it’s a lot harder than I expected, every day I think about the toll it takes on her especially since she has her own mental health issues. We got in a fight yesterday and I’ve been keeping my distance because that isn’t normal for us to fight over little things. I’ve also been cutting myself which breaks her every time she sees it but I can’t help it I just feel so overwhelmed working 58hrs a week, taking care of her and making sure we have a roof over our head and enough money for food. I just want us to have a break while I try to get my mental health to a better place so I’m not likely to take anything out on her or do something stupid that would damage the relationship forever. I still love her but I cannot trust myself.

I only posted a few days ago about my attempt to fix myself by reaching out for help. On that day, I received my referral call to the mental health team who told me it would be 16-28 days before I would get an appointment and that talking therapies wouldn’t be effective for me. I guess either this specific branch didn’t have a lot going on or from what I’ve told them they believe my case is severe enough to warrant getting me in ASAP. I still wonder why talking therapies was thrown out straight away but that’s something I will have to ask in my first appointment.

Anyway, my first appointment is in 8 days and all I can think about is what if they change their minds and actually I’m just experiencing life like everyone else. When I was in school, I was forced into the councillors office many times due to self harm marks and talking about suicide but when it came to actually talking about my issues I would just deflect and put on a mask to convince the councillor everything was okay and my next attempt at therapy went about the same. How do I stop myself from doing this? It feels like an instinctual reaction and when I’m doing it I feel like I’m trying to scream out inside but the words can’t reach. I’m hoping someone else in here has had a similar experience and wouldn’t mind giving me some advice. I get the feeling if this doesn’t work out then I’ll end up working myself until I have no more willpower to stop me from giving up, I don’t feel too far away from this already.

I’m probably overthinking here since it’s just a “getting to know you appointment” but I know a large part of me has given up already, I’m just clinging to the little hope I have left.