u/Glum_Caterpillar_345

If you’re chronically online like me and really into discussing fictional media, there’s a chance you’ve seen people talking about the modern girlboss trope and how they portray their idea of a strong woman. People specifically bring up movies like Captain Marvel and Wonder Woman as examples, and say that the issue with the modern version of a strong woman is that they are portrayed as perfect, are rude in a way that is rewarded by the narrative, and assume that softness is inherently “weaker”. I haven’t watched these movies for myself so I can’t judge them yet, but I’ve seen some people say that the problem is that they act like a stereotypical toxic male action hero (I saw one video by a woman use James Bond or Indiana Jones as an example). On the contrary, there has also been a rise of defensive arguments for older Disney princesses like Cinderella, Snow White, and Belle who were previously seen as weak and as “bad” role models for women by some critiques. I do agree that the strength of gentleness is usually not noticed, and it’s bad to think that patriarchal ideas of strength such as physical muscle or aggression are the only form of strength or are “superior”. However, I feel like when I see some people (not all) critique the idea of the modern girlboss, I feel like they miss the mark sometimes by blaming it purely on feminism, or think that feminists don’t understand “true femininity” (whatever that means). Sometimes they just completely misunderstand what most feminists actually want or maybe why some misguided feminists have poor analysis of gentle female characters in the first place.

I stumbled on a video by a YouTuber, which was a defense of Cinderella and also an analysis of how her femininity contrasts with Lady Tremaine’s. I had seen one of her videos before, but I had no clue this woman was an anti-feminist until she goes off on feminism as a whole at the very end of her video. Apparently this video was a sort of response to critique articles about Cinderella made by feminists. In this one part she claims that some feminists who speak more positively of Cinderella has pointed to a scene where she wakes up and acts frustrated and angry to prove that she’s a good role model for young girls. She then says that while Cinderella expressing frustration is valid due to her situation, “It’s really weird to call it a stubborn streak and a good role model” and that feminists are “not making feminism look good” if “they think bad character makes one a good role model”. She keeps going, saying that “looking for moments like these and holding them in high regard, and saying that young girls could emulate this is disgusting” and then she transitioned into another discussion by saying “why do we put down soft and quiet women?” As a mostly soft and quiet woman myself, I agree that softness should be seen as just as strong and feminist as aggressiveness; but her words immediately gave me an icky vibe bc/ I could *hear* the condescending tone towards feminists 🫩

This is just me spitballing as a naive 21 year old woman who is a baby feminist, but I think feminists may have liked to see representation of women being angry, frustrated, or “unpleasant” because of a lot of history women have a pressure placed onto them to be docile, agreeable, and tolerant of terrible situations; so I can understand the want for little girls to see that it’s okay to be angry (especially with how little girls are expected & taught to mature faster than boys, I think many girls & young women have pent up frustration).

She claims that Western media “demonizes” softness and gentleness while upholding rude women; which I just…don’t agree with. Maybe a few movies & tv shows who have a misguided view of feminism and what makes a great female character do that, but most movies and tv shows don’t really do that. She makes the argument that anyone can look up to Cinderella and find her inspirational even if they’re not exactly like her, look different, or aren’t even a woman; which I agree with. However, I think the real problem isn’t Cinderella herself, I think she’s great in terms of her kindness and resilience. I think the issue is that Disney is not very good with showing different types of female experiences (in my humble opinion). I think most feminists just want to see more diverse representations of women, especially in a world where women are pressured to shrink themselves and fit a narrow expectation.

Anyway, I just find it annoying that a lot of commentary and critique on the modern girlboss is never nuanced. The blame is solely placed on feminists or “mean women” who “think they’re superior to women who want to get married & have babies”. (No joke, she literally says something like this, I can put quote in a comment below). The comment section is just as bad, complaining about feminists and “leftist society”; and I just feel so exhausted because a lot of these people are also women. Women degrading feminism and generalizing feminists feels like a punch to the heart. I’m just…tired of feminists being demonized. Maybe those feminist articles the YouTuber read were extreme and ignorant, but the way that some people will use that as an excuse to stay narrow-minded is upsetting. Someone was even saying that Dreamwork’s female characters are inherently bad because they’re “all girlbosses or tomboys”, like you’re no better than regressive women who stigmatize soft women if you think tomboys or women who get physical are a threat or anti-femininity.

Why does no one bring up how the patriarchy is the system that undermines femininity in the first place, deeming crying or gentleness as weaknesses? The patriarchy is the system that decided that strength is measured by muscle and hostility.

Warning: This post is gloomy and just a messy rant about my confusion & frustration with society.

Ever since I found out about body neutrality, it definitely helped me for about a year. However, I still get so worn down sometimes because of how looks-obsessed our world is. This post I saw recently just kinda reminded me of these feelings I have. I know the examples I’m about to use down below are random, but I’m trying to show how little stuff I see just builds up in my mind.

For instance, being called/considered ugly or having a feature of yours mocked is still seen as a major blow to one’s ego. I was watching a YouTube video from a woman talking about why so many female Hollywood celebrities get plastic surgery, and the YouTuber brought up an instance where someone said she had a “grave digger chin” as an example of how easy it is for us to have our features constantly criticized or for us to feel insecure. One of the comments on the video addressing that part said “grave digger chin is actually wild 💀” and another commenter chimed in saying “Why I clenched my cheeks all tensed up head to toe as if I was the target of that violence of my gawrsh”. When someone asked what the insult meant, someone explained “if you look up stereotypical depictions of grave diggers you’d get it plus it implies she could feasibly use it as a shovel so it works on a few different levels unfortunately”. Someone else’s cruelty is still viewed as a mean, yet savage roast to a point where someone *should* end up feeling insecure in response. On the other hand, it’s considered a standard to tell someone you care about that they’re physically beautiful. A year ago I read a post from a woman talking about her sister who had never called her own daughter beautiful (but never called her ugly either) and it made the daughter very (understandably) upset, especially when she was aware of her aunt (the OP) calling their own daughter beautiful. Plus, if you have a romantic partner; it’s usually strange to never tell them that they’re beautiful. In real life and on the internet I’ve seen the phrase “they have a nice/good personality” used as an indirect way to insult someone’s appearance.

It’s hard for me especially bc/ conventionally attractive people are treated as incredibly special, and beautifulness is enough to be considered remarkable. Almost a year ago I would go lurking on r/ugly, and I’d still see Redditors comparing the beauty of others (mostly women) from social media against one another with stuff like “okay, but I think this girl is actually prettier than her” and stuff. When it comes to conversations about bad/horrible people, many always will bring up the fact if they’re physically ugly; for example, a phrase like “they’re just some old, fat, ugly mf”. If someone is beautiful, there’s always a couple of people to point it out or go “oh my gosh they’re so beautiful I’m obsessed 😍” or “Damn that face card is LETHAL/never declines”.

One time, I was listening to this song I like (“The Girl from Ipanema” which is about a beautiful woman that the main character of the song is in love with, but she doesn’t notice him & how others admire her beauty) and a mother who had lost her daughter replied in the comments: “I always play this song when I think of my daughter laura. She died fifteen years ago and she was the epitome of the girl from Ipanema. Such? A beautiful girl that she was shy.
Folks used to stare at her she was so beautiful. And she was "tall and tan and young and lovely." Even a reply to that comment said: “I'm so sorry to hear that, I know this was a while ago, but I hope you're feeling alright, I'm sure she was beautiful”

The comments are not talking about inner beauty or charismatic beauty, they’re talking about physical beauty. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being sentimental about a loved one’s appearance and how much you loved seeing them & their face; and talking about how beautiful you found them, I do it too. But, I feel like in this world that upholds objective beauty, the mainstream beauty culture taints the concept of beauty for me; because I know people are talking about conventional attractiveness when they say beautiful. And I know that this kind of language isn’t usually possible to be said about conventionally unattractive people, at least without debate from others. On social media, unconventionally attractive people who say they’re beautiful and say they love their bodies and features immediately get pushback from online bullies who want to knock them down. Even average looking people will get called a number of things if they get too cocky and talk about how hot they think they are publicly. I know it’s a sweet comment from a mother reminiscing on her beloved daughter who’s passed and is simply saying how the song reminds her of said daughter; and I feel horrible for being so petty an even bringing it up, but it still reminds me of how much attractiveness/looks really do matter in this world and are a source of comfort; even if they shouldn’t be and our beauty shouldn’t be the most memorable thing about us over our other qualities.

As a woman who is average-looking; I personally am someone who still believes the idea of subjective beauty, even if objective conventional beauty still exits (meaning some people fit the mainstream standard better than others). This is because I do question how much natural stuff like stretch marks, hair, wrinkles, body fat, etc have come to feel ugly not through their ’natural ugliness’, but actually through social conditioning and corporations. But, I also believe in the value of body neutrality and not being obsessed with looking good all the time and being fine with having my ugly days. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with calling someone beautiful or anything, I like to call something or someone beautiful if I find them beautiful as well. However, at the same time it makes it hard for me to embrace body neutrality; because it feels like body neutrality is not expected of everyone and reserved for specific kinds of people (in this system that follows objectiveness). Conventionally beautiful people get to embrace body positivity without question. If you’re conventionally attractive, you’re beautiful 🌸🌈✨. If you’re not, you just “exist 😐”.

Like, I do agree with body neutrality, it’s just so hard to keep that mindset all the time bc/ of how people view ugliness and beauty, even in more progressive spaces. Maybe there’s something I’m missing?