Two nights ago I (27F) spent the night at my boyfriends (32M) place after a date night. We had a couple of drinks on our night out and came home an pretty much went to bed. I woke up around 2am and he was out cold and I noticed his phone wasn’t plugged into the charger so I grabbed it to pick it up and plug it in. *side note, we have been very open about going into each other’s phones because we both have nothing to hide and don’t care… We have the same phone password and Face ID on each other’s phones*
When I grabbed the phone, I swiped it open because my Face ID had unlocked it. And literally for the first time ever I figured I would just look through it. Anyways, I found out he had an OF account and was subscribed to a few girls. Now I personally have never been on OF website ever so I kind of had no clue what to expect, so obviously I snooped. I found out he had been messaging girls up till at least seven months ago.. but I couldn’t bring myself to scroll anymore so I don’t know how long it actually been going on. Between messaging them and asking if he was allowed to give out his cell phone number, wanting to stick his dick in them, how he loves her curves, body, and trying to get to know them on a more personal level. Then I found out he had purchased videos from these girls. I think there was about five or six maybe seven purchases. I don’t remember the date though i was kind of in shock.
It goes to say that I didn’t sleep the rest of the night and woke up and went to work and pretty much didn’t even look at him and when he asked me what’s wrong when we woke up that morning I played it off like nothing was wrong. I kept my cool all day, but I went back to his place in the afternoon and broke down. I still didn’t say anything. He took me out to dinner and we had another little mini night out. And then went back on his phone at bedtime to read some more (with my own personal punishment ugh) and I basically was reading Reddit threads about other people who have had the same experiences as I’m going through. Again, I didn’t sleep all night.
Fast forward to this morning, I woke up and he was kind of already tossing to wake up for the day. I basically started off the morning saying I’m sorry because he had kept asking me if I was OK and I promised everything was fine; and I didn’t want to start the conversation with attacking him because I wasn’t sure if I was even going to say anything but from other peoples experienced I realized I had no choice. So I first apologized for lying because something happened when I told him I was fine, and I told him I went on his phone and I asked him why he had an OF account. He kind of almost laughed it off until I think he realized that I knew about it; and said he used to use it before we started dating and then I asked him why he would still be using it now?
I was pretty much bawling my eyes out and crying in the entire conversation. He joined me in crying and felt really guilty and we kind of talked through for about half an hour. I got up to go to work, and I kind of decided that I know he loves and cares about me, and I kind of forgot about it for the day. We just saw each other again now the same night and I immediately broke down in tears and started crying again. He’s been very apologetic and clearly very upset in his actions and I’m happy he’s at least owning up to it. He says that he knows and understands why I’m so mad and upset and hurt, and I made it very clear that I felt very betrayed and cheated and I told him I feel as if he’s broken our trust. He still is telling me that I’m the love of his life and how sorry he is, I asked him to delete the account and he said he would. He told me it was deleted and said he would show me when he sees me next. He apologized multiple times and cried and basically said he doesn’t know why he did it. Over some text messages after parting ways that night, I basically just kept asking why did he do it, I don’t understand, things like that. He replied and said he’s an idiot and a loser and he knows he fucked up big time, and then he doesn’t want to lose me and how he never wants to hurt me. I replied back saying something along the lines of “ you’ve clearly said this to me months ago and still was going behind my back, so I’m not really sure what to believe anymore”. We talked through on the phone last night and I’ve kind of decided to let it go, but I definitely have been thinking about it all day.
Should I just monitor his actions over the next couple of weeks? Every Reddit thread I’ve read tells me I should’ve dumped him immediately which literally sent me into a spiral for the last 48 hours. I don’t see myself breaking up with him over this more so because of the way he is apologizing and wanting to fix things, but should I have??
We’ve been dating for almost 3 years, and have been friends for about five. When we met, it was literally love at first sight and I’ve never been more spoiled and in love and it goes the same for him. We are moving in together at the end of the summer and I spend weekends at his place and we see each other almost every day it’s a typical cheesy corny love story. He does everything for me and loves me in ways I’ve never been loved before…. But now from reading other people’s experiences, it makes me have my doubts, and that people never change and he will just do this again. But knowing him and how he is, I really don’t believe that he would.
This also made me realize we’ve never had a conversation about porn in depth as we should have. I think mostly because I never thought he would do something like this. But I’ve stated that it makes me uncomfortable and I feel as though I was pretty stern about it. I told him that if I ever found out he was doing this again I would leave him immediately.
Any opinions?