Constant contradictions
Thats what it feels like for me.
Wanting to connect with the world, to socialize, to share my emotions and learn whatever can be teached and yet there is that gnawing and whispering anxiety which isnt there when I am alone. While never being as comfortable as when I am alone, during that time, there is still that feeling of time passing and nothing changing, having total control over whats inside these four walls but not on the outside. The only place in the world where there is order where otherwise there is chaos. So to escape the outside world when you are not in your four walls you escape into your head.
It isnt hard for me to socialize, I can make friends quickly. I can laugh, Smile, Cry feel annoyed and be angry. And still people will mention how you are cold and boring and shy and isolating, so you try to fix this "issue" and the next time you are socializing you will remember those words.
This is what hurts, not knowing if those emotions you had were even real. How would you even be able to tell? You only have your own emotions and can never tell what they feel for others. Making you feel something different than human. If no one connects to you why even make the effort to get to know people. At this point it wont even matter if they revere and praise you since you are already something different.
And during isolation it feels like finally being able to breathe, this comfort is so refreshing that you never want to leave it but staying there for too long will make you feel empty and kills all desire you had in the beginning. "Why leave or chase ambitions when all you need is yourself?" and with that sentence you have achieved everything in life with nothing to strife for.
Like two different people, one controlling my mind and the other my body with different goals at the same time, and me in between choosing which part of me is going to feel miserable.
And still, I do consider myself lucky compared to some stuff I have read on here. I cant imagine how some of you might feel. I have never considered suicide as an escape and I can tell when I should be sad or happy even when my mind is opposed to those emotions my body feel.
You might not relate with this at all, just had a burst of consciousness and wanted to tell someone what I feel like.