retroactive jealousy + long distance = disastrous
so my fiancee and i met when he was traveling to vietnam last late june, we've been dating since august so it's been 9 months.
it was like a movie when we met and got together, we were rushing to get meet each others family to make the engagement official because it was a genuine connection neither of us has ever felt before. the spark is still there. we plan to get married end of next year.
before he started seeing me. going way back to when he was 17, he had his first gf. when he was in college, he had his second gf who cheated on him. both of which he slept with.
after that it was a few years of being single.
when he was in my country, he went out with a few girls. they never even kissed but i found out he double booked me on the day that we both confessed our feelings. i don't blame him about it, he said because it was better than being alone but he'd rather be with me but he was uncertain if i even liked him. (wtv)
i kinda got over the fact that he went out with a few girls because thats kinda small. but me not being his first body is detrimental to me.
even since he has flown back to the us, the time difference and distance has been tearing us apart slowly. we've both been toxic to each other specifically about rj not letting me open up so he wouldn't either.
i never even interacted with another guy. but i do feel the need to close the gap between the body count sometimes and i feel absolutely horrible about it.
everytime when i feel bad about something rj would just crawl back to me stronger than ever. it may be because of my religious beliefs but he has since changed and became christian too. i should have been able to forgive him.
we've decided to go on a break yesterday to figure out if i am willing to work on us or should i just date a virgin instead. i still will follow through with the break but i've got my answer :
I DO NOT WANT ANYONE ELSE
he's the only one who has ever understood me. but he tells me he's emotionally unavailable for a relationship right now but he cares and loves me so he's willing to work with me through everything.
we don't believe in therapy or medications (especially meds) but i'm so desperate i'm willing to try anything. any advices?