u/GoddessHedone

My sweet boy passed about 2 weeks ago. And for some reason right now, I am reflecting on how I would be mean by pushing him with my foot aside (not in a hurtful way) or when he would want attention while in bed.

Now to be as clear as I can be, the times on bed was because he would smell from his poop always being caught on his fur or paws even after I would trim his fur and change litter types. There were times I wished him to just die. Most of my stress came from burnout of caring for him and getting 3 hours of sleep each night because he would just cry every hour. The caregiver fatigue in me would drive me crazy to the point of even missing work and income.

But he stopped all of the crying in November and I thought finally things were getting better. But then late January, all of sudden he started to decline fast. I tried everything I could to make him better. But at maybe being around 17yrs old, I was told to not give him a biopsy as it may hard him. His weight dropped SO much. Like pounds where he was 4lbs when he finally passed. This whole year I made sure to give him all the love but I’m still haunted by the times I was mean the last 2ish years out of the 14 yrs I had him. I hate myself so much for acting that way where I think horrible things about myself and wonder if he ever forgave me for it. Starting to drink now to numb the pain and thoughts while I type this.

Not sure what I’m looking for in this post. I know in my heart I did everything I could to help him but I wished his last years could have been so much better. I have to look at old videos to remind myself that he was extremely loved but it still isn’t helping. Anyway, thank you if you made it this far. And my heart goes out to everyone that is experiencing loss of their little ones. You’re not alone.