17 years of pancreatitis. I'm scared things have taken a turn for the worse.
It's currently 3am and I'm in pain and crying. So I started losing weight this year. No pain. Just randomly started losing weight. No diet change or anything. I've managed to keep my flare ups under control by eating a proper diet. Most important changes that I made was stop drinking dark sodas, and cutting out artificial sugars. With the usual/obvious things like no fast food and alcohol.
Well, this year things have changed dramatically. I lost 20 lbs and decided to see the Dr. My gallbladder was removed, and I was hoping that would fix things, but it hasn't. I lost another 5 lbs. I'm diagnosed as mal nourished and am currently just under 100lbs. For reference I'm 5'5" and 42 years old.
For this whole year I've been under 100lbs. Lowest was 94 after surgery. I'm currently around 98 lbs.
I think my fight or flight response has kicked in, and I got it in my head that I will not be around much longer if I don't eat more. Since then, I've been eating constantly. And I'm still not gaining weight. I'm maintaining my weight , but it's a struggle. I eat until I'm full. Then force myself to eat until I'm sick and/or in pain.
Idk if I should be content with this weight, or keep increasing my calorie intake. Im on Zenpap, 2 capsules 3 times a day. I did see some weight gain after drinking ensure but my ensure funds went to repairing my vehicle this month. So that's another reason I've been eating more, to make up for not having Ensure.
I'm scared I may never gain my weight back. Or even worse..passing away. It's been very overwhelming, I'm starting to feel hopeless. I'm planning on stocking up on Ensure in a few weeks. I'm lucky to have a Dr that prescribes me pain meds. But now I use them as an excuse to eat more, instead of using as needed. I've become obsessed with counting calories and negative thoughts.
Should I just be happy I'm not losing weight even though I'm underweight? Any advice on how to stay thinking positive? I need a break from eating all this food ,but my mind won't let me take a break because of fear of dying. Should I talk to a therapist about these thoughts? Should I request an endoscopy?
I'm afraid of eating too much and landing in the hospital with a flare up. At the same time, I'm afraid of losing weight .