I just wanna rant to get some stuff out there, even just to say it into the void
So for a pretty long time now I've been having thoughts that hold me back in every aspect of life, thoughts and voices that tell me I'm worthless, lazy, that I don't deserve what I have and other shit I'm too lazy to type out. Basic tasks seem like mountains, even things I enjoy like showers I rarely ever do, every other day I don't even want to get out of bed and I'm getting really tired, merely existing is exhausting because I have to fight to not believe my thoughts for two seconds. And you wanna know the best part? This is tame compared to the suicidal thoughts I had after many unfortunate events outside of my control, I genuinely wanted to not exist for an extended period of time, sometimes those might creep back around to torment me again every once in a while. All this while I'm still at the young age of nineteen and what does my mother have to say about this? "Nah, you just need to set a schedule" as if a scheduled day for me wouldn't be me starting it, getting distracted, realizing it and queue the self loathing for not even being able to follow a set path. I have tried to tell her that maybe therapy might be a good idea but again NOPE, so for now I'm just stuck here in this cycle until I get money of my own to get the proper help I need.