u/Good-Aardvark9904

Slightly burned bacon toast sandwiches

TW: abuse, depression
**Long vent ahead**

I had a rough childhood growing up, me and my two-years-younger sister both. My mom was the only actual parental figure in our lives because our father was away working in another country for 10 months every year. Every time he was home he would spend most of his time at his parents and brothers then come home drunk and argue and yell at my mom, without fail, from the very first time I grew capable of thinking and forming memories.

Even though my mom always cared for us both, her way of educating us was by physically beating us most of the time, no matter the reason. Justifying it by saying that we were making her run out of patience. I never hated her for it, because she herself didn’t even have parents to raise her, her father and step mother were chronic alcoholics themselves and would physically beat their children and neglect them, so she was raised by her older siblings.
Long story short when I was 17 my parents divorced. Mom met another man, old acquaintance, before the divorce, which gave her a place to go to and take me and my sister after the proceedings were finished. They both took out loans and bought a house.

The problem is that her new partner (which also works abroad and comes home once a year) is even worse. He is also an alcoholic, but an unstable one. My father never got physically violent with us. This man did, the last time he was here last Christmas. He got physical with me and also with my mom who split us.

My entire life and especially during the past 3-4 years my mechanism of coping was detaching myself from everything that was happening and always telling myself that I am not affected. I also never had any conversations with my mom about myself, how I feel, or what upsets me.  The last year it gradually sort of all came crashing down on me, everything I have been through, and the fact that many of my social problems and the fact that I was on antidepressants for nearly 2 years are most probably caused by my upbringing. I kept thinking over and over about everything that happened.

Today I boiled over and started venting about what I feel to my mother via messaging since she was not home at the time. How everyone involved in this divorce is a hateful person and how it affected me and my sister both, how she always blamed me for whatever problems I had instead of thinking about why I had them, that the reason that ever since I got my own room I was staying wide awake and sleeping though the first half of the day was because the night was the only moment when I would have a semblance of inner peace and I wouldn’t be on edge in the home I was raised (and not because I am acting like a crazy person as she said), that she and my father never were capable of having a rational discussion about what upset them, that their defects inevitably affected the way me and my sister grew up, and that I utterly hate the man that she chose to go to after this divorce.

Ever since she got home a few hours ago she would cry while doing chores. She also acted upset when I offered to help her or cook some food. I keep telling to myself that logically speaking I have no reason to feel bad, since all I said was what I’ve been through and what I have been feeling all these years, but I still cannot help but start to regret it. What if my logic is flawed? Or I have been too harsh? I typed out my thoughts the exact way I had them in my mind, my intention wasn’t to make her upset or to criticize her. Again, though she was flawed herself, she always wanted the best for me and my sister at the end of the day. When I was deeply depressed some years ago she was deeply affected and always blamed herself for it.

I don’t know what to do now, if I should go apologize or give her some space. It’s always been so difficult dealing with emotions in this family.

 Advice or opinions are welcome.

I have created a github account several years ago and have only been using it to download projects from other people. Now I want to upload projects of my own but I need to contact support because my account got flagged.

However the captcha on the page where I provide my phone number is not loading and stays like that for a few seconds, after which it solves itself, though I still cannot submit my number. I have tried their troubleshooting suggestions and attempted this on 3 different devices and 2 networks. I am now stuck. Any advice would be appreciated.