Wondering
I’m used to being alone and doing things by myself but when I experienced having someone to be do activities with, grow to love them and also care for them, it flipped my needs and wants entirely.
Weird pala ng feeling na walang minmessage constantly. Someone who you share your day with and check in with.
It has been a while since I have a constant person to talk to and I am learning to sit with silence again. Content with my own person, my family and my friends, I am back to my old routine because of misalignments with people whom I thought I wanted to be with. I grew tired once again but what is that feeling of wanting to find someone to choose you for who you are and wants to grow with you unconditionally.
I definitely do not want dependency, I want consistency. I want clarity over noise. I want stability over sporadic dopamine-induced highs and lows. I most definitely want peace over anxiety.
I want to be chosen and not to be an option.
What is this weird feeling of wanting to have someone despite being content on being independent and being alone for a long time?
I also have standards, specific ones that I value a lot and whenever one is not met - it gets harder to find my person. A person that shares my similar lifestyle and an emotionally mature and intellectual individual to begin with.
Sometimes I wonder, is this list being too strict or I just know what I deserve?
I just wonder what this is all about. Maybe I am just living in my headspace and stewing in these thoughts of mine for quite some time. Too much wondering I guess.