u/GotMyTie

Hello I’m J,

I was diagnosed with OCD many moons ago. After mid 2025 I thought I had beaten it. Maybe I have. It was OCD about my heart disorder. It ruined my life, not even exaggerating I pulse checked majority of day.

Now… now I am in an acute state of OCD about gf’s previous partners. There is no logical reason. She’s good, and good to me. She hasn’t said anything about it. No one to blame, this is a me problem. This has never been an issue in past in any relationship for myself.

Hard to sleep. Brain is coming up with solutions. They are all nuts if I take a step back.

There is no past. It is deleted. I will not worry about the past. Nothing bad happened in the past because it does not exist. I don’t exist. I’m invisible I’m going to ignore my brain.

If my brain decided it was going to stay here it would think more about this. Because the pain of this is there. If not this then where would my brain go? Would it continue on to what’s next? My heart?

I have therapy in a day and a bit. She will help me. I will be good.

Remember this is a bad case I’ve managed my life. At one point I thought I was cursed and evil and that’s all I could think of. That got pressed the other day too. Am I evil? Am I a bad person? I’m going to puke there is way too much. I’m not even sure my heart wants me anymore there is too much of this to manage. My compulsion of pulse checking won’t work for this.

I will count up. I don’t like this feeling. The funny thing is this shouldn’t be happening. I probably just need therapy or if needed a medication at the ER. I’m not helpless I have agency and I can stop this.

Goodnight I can sleep it will be okay I’m going to wake up tomorrow and tell myself that I have got this and if my brain attacks me then I will fight it and win. When I lose I win and when I win I lose.

I can’t sabotage myself again. Last time I was evil in my mind my kid was taken by my ex this hurts bro I’m hurting and it’s my brain’s fault.

Im going to sleep now and forgive myself and pray.