u/GothicaSweetHeart

I've been doing a lot of clean purges for the past few years. This year I've had more of those days. I can't even tell you how many garbage bags of things I got rid of. Before I get rid of stuff, I buy a box of 32 gallon garbage bags. I bought a box which contained 14 bags last month.

I managed to use all of them in two months. It's just so insane to me how I managed to have so much stuff in my small apartment. About a year or two ago, one of my closets was the equivalent to an avalanche waiting to collapse. Storage totes, tote bags, and garbage bags filled with things, from the floor to the ceiling. I got rid of two garbage bags of things that were under my bed, and I had to stop at that point because I didn't have any garbage bags left.

I am in disbelief with how much stuff that I still need to get rid of. It feels like I've been cleaning up forever. Despite making significant progress, it feels endless. I can't wait until the day that I'm actually done with it entirely.

A day ago, my cat started acting very strange. Which was odd because he was fine the day before. Then all of a sudden, he lost his balance and couldn't hold himself up. It got to the point where he couldn't use the litter box. I woke up at 6am and took him to the vet. I wrapped him up and put him in the carrier. I then walked for an hour to my nearest vet which wasn't easy but I knew that this was something that I needed to do. The vet examined him and within 10 seconds he diagnosed Shadow with heart failure and that putting him down would be the best thing to do. Which in a way shocked me because it just seemed like his symptoms appeared out of nowhere. Even though my cat was 17, and i knew that he wouldn't last another 5 years, I was still bewildered that he was gone.

The thing is, I never knew what it was like living without a pet in the house. I used to come home to my cat greeting me at the door. When I got home after the vet, something felt wrong. Like a puzzle out of place. I was so used to having a living breathing thing attached to me, that it feels unnatural to come home to nothing but silence. Last night was my last cuddle session with Shadow before bed. Now I'm going to just lye in bed, waiting for that furry friend who will never sleep next to me again. I'm going to be up all night, tossing and turning. I haven't been eating. I can't eat. I'm so upset that my hunger is nonexistent. When I do eat, it feels like I'm going to throw up because of how upset I am. I'm consuming nothing but soft drinks because even the thought of water makes me gag. I live alone and have nobody to turn to.

Grief is by far the most painful thing to experience and it's not something I'd wish on anyone.