How do (F21) forgive myself for lost potential
I've cried almost everyday for the 2 years (and these past 8 months have been the worst), mostly because of a traumatic experience from a past relationship. This was my first ever relationship, and I guess I lost myself in it to escape my loneliness. I was cheated on, berated with words (you stupid, ugly etc.) and also forcefully lost my. As a result I stopped focusing on the things that matter, mental health and mostly academics. I almost failed my modules, but now that I'm trying again, I actually see how easy the work is, as I'm preparing for my upcoming exams. How do I forgive myself for wasting time being angry, sad and depressed for so long and forgetting what matters (doing well in school). I tried forgiving him, but I don't even know what it's supposed to look like, I try to forgive myself but I just keep pointing out my mistakes and disappointments. What practical/physical steps can I take towards self-improvement.
TL;Dr: Should I find forgiveness him first in order to move on, or do I need to forgive myself