u/Grand_Break_3620

I'm begging please do not crucify me for this it's just a question bc I DO NOT know !

I'm asking this bc I'm broke, I don't exactly have the kind of money to buy a guitar off the bat BUT I do have a five string bass I kind of abandoned learning on bc it intimates me. I'm asking this specifically bc I love singing and I want to write music.

Do I know how to play any instrument? No. But I'm trying to learn. If I could somehow do this w my bass, then that's even better! If not, in the kindest way I am asking for an explanation as to why it wouldn't work. So I can fully understand.

I know it's a very out there question and to people who do know instruments it's insanely stupid, but I have to start somewhere.

Tw I mentioned physical abuse and manipulation (?) a lot

I'm 21, I just left a relationship with a man who's 30 who was abusing me but we're still talking.

We weren't meant to still be talking, I left about 2 weeks ago, we had gotten into a really big fight and he hurt me more than ever before, and that whole week I was being hurt just about everyday to the point I actually resolved to tell a coworker the next we worked together just so someone knew in case something happened to me.

The night I left I went to my tia, and I told her I didn't want to do it anymore, I wanted to live my life and move on and be single for a very long time. When we went to pick up my stuff the next day, he was actually concerned because I hadn't come home and wasn't answering his calls and texts. He said he doesn't remember what he had done the night before, which I fully believe bc he was insanely drunk and high on a few different drugs. (Which is another thing). He apologized and said he'd do anything and everything to fix it. The big problem with this is that he thought I cheated on him for our entire relationship, hence the abuse.

That day I said basically "okay yeah sure just let me get most of my stuff to pacify my tia and I'll come back later on." Because I was mainly scared of his reaction of me saying I didn't wanna come back, he was claiming he was sober but he told me he hasn't slept at all from when I left to when I came back and he just felt off, it didn't feel like I was talking to him sober. But idk truly

So over the past couple weeks I've been singing from blocking him on everything and finally moving on to receiving a message on an app I forgot to block and were talking again to blocking again to getting an email and feeling guilty and unblocking. It's just so much stress and I'm genuinely just so scared.

I'm someone who really doesn't like change, it's very hard for me to deal with, I've been losing weight ever since I moved out, I'm constantly anxious and exhausted and when anything bad happens right now it basically all leads back to him and just makes me angry. I had tried telling him that my resolve to leave that night, the fact that I finally did it means it's over, there isn't anything to salvage. But he talks and it sounds sweet and it makes me feel safe again and I miss him.

I didn't wanna get on reddit to ask, I've been so so scared but I literally woke up from a dream of my tia finding out we're still talking and I just can't. I can't do it but I don't know what to do. He wants me to stay the night tonight, I literally told my tia I'm staying at a friend's tonight (big technically we are friends atm? Ig?) I went back a couple times on my own to hang out with him and it's been a good time, he's doing better he's not drinking or doing any crazy drugs just smoking weed and chilling. He found a new home for the dog I bought him that I told him I didn't want because I knew it'd just be another thing to argue over (his name is bear and I miss him but I hope his new owners are taking better care of him than we did he was the sweetest puppy).

Please forgive me for this being all over the place, this is quite literally the best I could do and it's not even concise and I missed other things that happened in the past two weeks bc everything is coming and going from my memory and my heart is racing from literally thinking about everything.

Tldr: I moved out of my shared apt with my ex boyfriend who was abusing me, came to my tia to get back on my feet, but I er the trips to get my stuff I've talked to my ex and am mixed between staying true for myself or returning bc how little I get on with change and the fact that he said he'd try (he's showing improvement), but I'm scared. Constantly anxious and just need to hear the objective answer of "leave him" bc I care about him too much after all the shit he's done, even if he's apologized.

Edit Thank you. Honestly I didn't think anybody would be understanding about this, thank you so much. I blocked him on the last of everything, I blocked his god forsaken mother as well. Thank you. I can't afford therapy or really anything rn bc I quit my ft job bc they were insensitive about my situation and I only have a pt now, but I'll figure it out. Y'all are very kind and gracious and understanding did help me a lot, and of course very right! I did have the answer, I've known the answer, thank you for being the ones to push it through my skull, I needed it.