Seeking hope when all I see is darkness
Im not sure where to begin- we had a generally healthy pregnancy at the beginning. A small subchorionic hematoma, a miserable few weeks with morning sickness, and a false positive NIPT, but we had made it through to the other side of those. She was growing well and moving around a lot on the scans. I thought we were supposed to be "safe" once we made it out of the first trimester. We had already picked out her name, Holly, by 12 weeks - we were so excited. She was all we talked about, and she was in every hope and dream I had for the future.
But, at our routine 24-week ultrasound, they couldn't find her heartbeat. They said she probably died two or so weeks earlier. I had an anterior placenta and it was my first pregnancy, so they had told us not to worry about not feeling movement until after 24 weeks. I never did get to feel my baby kick, not even a flutter. We went straight to the hospital that evening where I would be induced. We held her for several hours, and both sets of grandparents held her too. Then, we had to say goodbye and leave the hospital with a stuffed animal and memory box instead of our baby girl (don't get me wrong, I love and cherish these items). They have no answers for us as to how this could happen.
My milk coming in was a painful reminder of what I would not have. At four weeks postpartum, I still hadn't stopped bleeding and had to be taken for an emergency D&E for retained placenta. They warned of the low-but-possible risk of fertility problems with these procedures, especially in this stage. Then, one week later, despite being up and active and no other risk factors, I developed a blood clot in my leg and had to start blood thinning injections.
My baby girl is gone, I have lost all of my purpose, nothing else matters. The only shred of hope I have is TTC, and is mixed with fears about fertility and the unknown cause. Now as I attend my fourth doctors appointment of the week, MFM just informed me I have to keep waiting, at least four more months, before I can TTC. I know this isn't much time in the long run, but I don't know how I am supposed to wait, when every day is painful and empty. Another baby could never replace Holly. But, it would help to fill some of the void of being a mother with nobody on earth to mother. What I would love is to hear what got people through this excruciating time, and any stories of hope and successful pregnancies after loss. Also, thank you to all the moms and dads out there who have shared their stories here too- this group carried me through those darkest first weeks.