I (26M) have been struggling with something for a long time involving my best friend (25F), and I’d really appreciate some outside perspective.
I met her in my first year of high school, so we’ve known each other for about 9–10 years now. Back then I was kind of a goofy, baby-faced kid, and I always felt like she didn’t really take me seriously. At the same time, she would sometimes give mixed signals that confused me a lot, but I never said anything because I didn’t feel “good enough.”
In my last year of high school I moved to another city, but we stayed close. During university, I went through a really difficult period where I was seriously ill, and she was one of the only people who truly stood by me. That meant a lot, and my feelings for her only got stronger.
Eventually, she got engaged. That completely crushed me, because in my head I had been telling myself that I just needed time to become “good enough” for her. After her engagement, I finally confessed how I felt. She turned me down and said she wanted to stay friends.
Now we’re both 25. She lives in another country, has been married and is now divorced. I’ve worked a lot on myself over the years and feel like I’ve grown into a much better version of who I was back then.
Here’s where I’m stuck: I still feel like I’m in love, but when I think about it honestly, it feels like I’m in love with who she used to be, or maybe who I imagined her to be back then. At the same time, I catch myself comparing every girl I meet to her, like she’s the standard I measure everyone against.
We’re still good friends, and I do love her, but I’m not even sure I actually want a relationship with her as she is now. I just can’t seem to let go of these feelings, and it’s starting to affect how I see other people and relationships.
How do you move on from something like this? Has anyone dealt with being attached to an “idealized” version of someone? I don’t want to lose the friendship, but I also don’t want to stay stuck like this.
Any advice would mean a lot.