u/Great-Cranberry-1972

I’m not trying to seek attention from others but I do enjoy my bikini and tan lines and I love cute dresses and tank tops all summer. He finds it disrespectful to our marriage. But then he looks at other women who do dress this way and ignores me when I’m modest. He also looks at other women online who do dress very revealing and clearly enjoys it! How do I feel good about myself when I’m shamed for the very behavior he finds stimulating when other women do it? Do other women feel this hypocrisy or am I really being disrespectful? I feel disrespected when he gets off to other women instead of noticing me. Not sure how to get him to change his views especially when I don’t see how this dynamic is safe or fair to me either.

I have been with my husband going on 7 years. First 3 years was dating and the last 4 years marriage. In our dating life we had a very strong emotional connection and I was deeply satisfied. Since marriage he has become less distant emotionally and physically but he buys things. I’m grateful for the flowers and gifts but I miss him emotionally and physically. It seems like he prefers to pay for things over giving me connection. I’m not satisfied with the purchases tho and then he feels like I don’t value or appreciate it. I’ve voiced to him over and over how I just miss him and then he combats with how ungrateful I am for the things he buys. I miss the days where he rushed home to see me and love on me and I don’t enjoy him being absent but buying the affection instead. I think our love language must be off? He also consumes porn over being intimate with me and thinks I will be satisfied with something he bought that I didn’t ask for. Is this normal? He spends his free time away from me but then comes home with something he bought and thinks I’m just going to be satisfied with an object over him. How do I accept his gifts with happiness when I don’t feel happy about always being alone? If I wanted gifts over affection I would have chosen to stay single and buy myself things. I feel drained. I love his thoughts on spending but I chose him to be with him. Not because I want flowers once a month? Is he just trying to buy my affection so I’m satisfied with his non presence? He thinks I’m nagging and complaining when I am not over the moon for the flowers he bought. These flowers are dieing just like our connection and then I’m blamed for not being grateful. How do women show connection in marriage when men buy their connection over actually showing up with presence? He makes great money and I’m sure he thinks gifts are his love language but I just want HIM. Not the $80 bouquet he spent to fuel another woman’s life. I’m sad and lonely. I never chose him for things. I chose him for him. But asking for his presence seems to be a pain and I am so tired of being the pain in his arse. How do I have my emotional needs and physical needs when he just wants to give me gifts so I’m quiet and then shame me for not being satisfied. I’m genuinely so sad.

Basically what the title reads…. When men choose porn over connection, what is the best route for women to get their needs met? Without shaming men for preferences that are more visually stimulating, and if visual stimulation isn’t enough for women to climax, what’s the best alternative for a woman seeking closeness with a man that doesn’t want it? But he also will end the marriage if she also decides to outsource? It’s been 2 years. Without wanting to cheat but definitely can’t rely on my husband who just prefers digital over connection and without being shamed or attacked when I express my needs, how do I stay faithful when I also have a desire to be wanted? It seems so much easier for men to have a digital visual hit but that leaves women who need emotional connection starving and on the brink of seducing the first man who pays attention to you!? HELP! I don’t want to cheat but I also am so fed up with laying in bed alone while he escapes to the bathroom every night and then snoring next to me while I’m wide awake just wishing I was being ravished like the women he watches online! Sometimes I think being the non committed sexual woman is better than the loyal wife. I kind of understand this flip in women now! It’s more rewarding for the performer than the loyal wife.