She left this morning and I feel like a feather in the wind
Early this morning, haggard from all the prep, packing and build up to this day - the dog and I waved and blew air kisses watching as they drove away.
My one and only, the baby girl who is my world, my everything, is off on a mini roadtrip with her dad, my ex, as they make their way to drop her off thousands of miles away to start college.
Shutting the door, unsure which way to walk or whether I wanted to sit, stand, my therapists words come to mind…sage counsel that comforted me several years ago when we were going through a normal adolescent rough patch.
“Her job is to stretch as far as she can in any and all the ways. And your job, a parent’s job, is to be like a rubber band,” she said.
“And if she can pull away…if she can have the confidence to pull away as far as she can…and snap back…slot back in…if and when she needs to…well then…you both have done your job.”
In other words, let her spread her wings all while knowing, feeling that I have her back and am always here, the bedrock. It made sense and it was guidance that has served me well.
My baby girl is doing her job and I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming, my brave, kind and brilliant girl. And damn straight I will be fine and be her rock always.
But ahhh, this morning, I was so discombobulated and found myself lying in her bed with the dog and her bunny ‘Marshmallow’ that she left behind - and all I wanted was her next to me, both laughing and deciding that yes once again we would just order coffee and pancakes for delivery and watch Friends or Gilmore Girls for the millionth time.
And because I am a nutsy one I guess, this morning I allow myself to play the game I have played before when she has been away on school trips, and I call out her name, “X …xxx…babydoll, come sit with us” as I look expectantly at the door. Yes, a strange thing to do, but you know what? In that small space of a nanosecond- it truly feels as if she is still here and will walk in any second with a sigh and maybe even an eye roll, and fall into my open arms. Poor doggy, his tail wagging, he yipped yipp waiting for the baby girl.
“Sorry, Maxi. Mama is like a feather right now, wiggle woggle and not sure how to feel…let’s just stay here for a while, then we’ll clean this house top to bottom and cry doing it.” Yip yip - he …he has no idea his girl is off on a new adventure, pulling away like she should be doing, and is not walking through that door anytime soon.
Here is the thing. I will see her in 2 days when fly to where she will be - to get her all moved in to her dorm. So, these are feelings and thoughts that I have and most people I know don’t really understand. And I get it, not the first and last to experience this.
So I will nod in agreement and smile when my family and certain friends will say “oh yay, it’s going to be great …think of the time you’ll have for you…and you are seeing her soon!”
Oh for sure! I will play along.
Mhmm smile, smile…work work by day…do all the things. And at night, when I just need to feel okay… I will read posts here on this subreddit…a small comfort, hearing others going through their own journey.
Not sure why am sharing this.
I have heard/read/been told that I need to keep busy. But, I am never not busy, what with a demanding job and the need to do well to pay for all the things.
I also don’t want to hear once again from certain well-meaning friends, to go out, be with people so you don’t get lonely. I enjoy being alone! I read, create, think, breathe in the space to be…
I also don’t want to hear about all the free time that somehow has been plopped on my lap. Um yes, some free time- but I still have the demanding job and as the sole everything - all the house things, the dog-o, life etc. Certainly, I will make use of any new time gained, but I am not retired with loads of free time.
I feel guilty and mean when I feel annoyed hearing “you will get through this.” I know I will.
This is why I hesitated to post. I see how awful I sound and for an experience known to most parents since forever.
I post, maybe…i dunno.. perhaps…
because I have felt heard and understood when reading others posts. Even if a vastly different experience - it lands with me and brings me comfort. I have laughed out loud. Cried alongside others stories. So grateful for the OP posting.
I wonder if also, I simply need to get it out, and own that I sometimes want …need… to just be feather and feel how I feel the way I feel in this moment and for however long it takes. And if that entails silly things like pretending my girl is here at home even if just for a split second, so be it.
I know there are other feathers out there. Feathers, who like me, will snap back when we are good and ready.
Yet, so interesting to me is that for all the different ways I google and search, stories and guidance out there is mainly packaged like it is a neat and linear journey.
I guess am in a feather stage and the neat isn’t landing for me.
I appreciate folks. I truly do, but the neatly packaged and well-meaning guidance I mostly find or get makes me feel a little like it’s a message to take this solution - it works, trust us, you’re not unique to this!- and move on already so we can hear your happy “after all that, look at me now” story.
But I don’t think that’s always how it goes. And maybe it’s ok to be a feather and to take comfort in hearing and seeing - getting that glimpse, like a fly on the wall- how other feathers are blowing in the wind and living through this wild ride as our babes pull away as far as they can like we raised them to do.
Signed,
A Feather 🪶