r/emptynesters

Tomorrow we take our daughter to college. this week of packing has been an emotional rollercoaster. How has other dads dealt with this and the emotions? I am excited but also so lost Inwill not be used to the quiet home.

My son just left after a summer home from his 1st year of college. This year just hit so much harder. I know how lonely it is now having him gone. I'm a single Mom, live alone. I do have friends and a boyfriend, but it's not the same as having son around and being a Mom.

Thanks for listening

My husband and I are in our 50's and becoming empty nesters. Prior to kids, we lived in a 3 flat in Lakeview on the second floor and could hear everything our upstairs neighbor did. Then we were in a high rise apartment and found it very quiet.

We are thinking of buying a condo in a high rise next year because we miss the city and I hear the condos have social events for the residents. I'm looking for community.

I need a building that has concrete floors and something to reduce noise from shared walls. Does anyone live in a building that meets these criteria?

My daughter moved out a week ago, and my son is moving out in a couple weeks. My only two decided to grow up at the same time. I'm so proud, and our relationships are good, but I'm just so sad at the same time. This was unexpected, and I'm also going through perimenopause rn, so this is a triple whammy.

For those of you who have been through this, how long did It take to start feeling normal again?

Hi everyone!

Dropping in to say hello 🙂 I have stepped in to moderate our r/emptynesters subreddit.

I have enjoyed this sub as a participant and saw that it had become unmoderated. So I answered the call when Reddit mods were looking for a sub mod. I did so because I’m an empty nester and find helpful information and conversations on Reddit. Didn’t want to see this sub get shut down and wanted to keep it safe for everyone.

If anyone else is interested in joining me as a mod, please DM me. I have one request before you do so though, please be passionate about why you’re here.

This is your space as well, so I want to hear from you:
What has worked well in this community?
What changes would you like to see?

I’m here to keep things running smoothly and would love your help in making this community active and safe. As empty nesters, this could be a vulnerable stage of life and I want to protect that.

Feel free to share thoughts and ideas in the comments. Excited to see where this takes us!

I feel like I’ve lived through so many different emotions and versions of myself over the past year.

In the beginning, I missed my son terribly. The house felt too quiet and I was genuinely sad. I also stopped taking proper care of myself in small ways. I didn’t really feel like eating, let alone cooking just for myself, so I mostly chose whatever was easy: bread, soup, salads or takeout. Then something shifted.

I started enjoying the peace. For the first time in a very long time, I only had myself to think about. My spontaneous side came out. I started doing things I hadn’t really been able to do before. Making last-minute plans, going somewhere because I felt like it, changing my mind or doing absolutely nothing without having to consider anyone else. And I’ve been trying to figure out what I actually enjoy.

I’m trying new hobbies. I’ve started diamond painting (not for me), I’m reading more (nope cant find peace), I go to the gym, and soon I’m going to try horse riding. I throw myself into my work and give it everything I have.
Even the small routines are slowly coming back. For about a month now, I’ve been doing proper grocery shopping again and cooking meals for myself.

That might sound like such a small thing, but after months of not really caring what I ate, it actually feels significant.
So from the outside, I’m doing all the things you’re supposed to do. I’m building routines, trying new things, working, exercising, taking care of myself and discovering what life looks like when I get to make the decisions. And yet…I’m 46 and sometimes I feel like a teenager who has absolutely no idea how to do this new life.

I’m also single, which adds another strange layer to it. Part of me wants to date. I miss closeness, affection and having someone to share the ordinary little things with. But another part of me thinks: wait… this is finally my time.

For years, my life naturally revolved around being a mother. Now that I finally have all this freedom, do I really want to immediately start building my life around another person?
I want companionship, but I don’t want to give up this new independence I’ve only just discovered. I want to experience love again, but I also want to find out who I am when nobody needs anything from me. I want someone beside me, but I don’t necessarily want someone filling all this new space.

And somehow I want all of those contradictory things at the same time. Some days the freedom feels amazing. Other days it feels incredibly lonely.
I think that’s what surprises me most. I thought becoming an empty nester would be one emotional transition: you miss your child, you adjust, and eventually you move on.
Instead, it seems to come in waves. Grief. Peace. Freedom. Excitement. Loneliness. Reinventing yourself. And sometimes several of them on the same day.

I’m especially curious about people who are further into the empty nest stage. I feel like one week, one month and one year are completely different experiences. For me, the emotions keep changing instead of simply getting easier. What did your first year look like? Did you go through different phases too, and what changed after that first year?

Early this morning, haggard from all the prep, packing and build up to this day - the dog and I waved and blew air kisses watching as they drove away.

My one and only, the baby girl who is my world, my everything, is off on a mini roadtrip with her dad, my ex, as they make their way to drop her off thousands of miles away to start college.

Shutting the door, unsure which way to walk or whether I wanted to sit, stand, my therapists words come to mind…sage counsel that comforted me several years ago when we were going through a normal adolescent rough patch.

“Her job is to stretch as far as she can in any and all the ways. And your job, a parent’s job, is to be like a rubber band,” she said.

“And if she can pull away…if she can have the confidence to pull away as far as she can…and snap back…slot back in…if and when she needs to…well then…you both have done your job.”

In other words, let her spread her wings all while knowing, feeling that I have her back and am always here, the bedrock. It made sense and it was guidance that has served me well.

My baby girl is doing her job and I am so proud of the young woman she is becoming, my brave, kind and brilliant girl. And damn straight I will be fine and be her rock always.

But ahhh, this morning, I was so discombobulated and found myself lying in her bed with the dog and her bunny ‘Marshmallow’ that she left behind - and all I wanted was her next to me, both laughing and deciding that yes once again we would just order coffee and pancakes for delivery and watch Friends or Gilmore Girls for the millionth time.

And because I am a nutsy one I guess, this morning I allow myself to play the game I have played before when she has been away on school trips, and I call out her name, “X …xxx…babydoll, come sit with us” as I look expectantly at the door. Yes, a strange thing to do, but you know what? In that small space of a nanosecond- it truly feels as if she is still here and will walk in any second with a sigh and maybe even an eye roll, and fall into my open arms. Poor doggy, his tail wagging, he yipped yipp waiting for the baby girl.

“Sorry, Maxi. Mama is like a feather right now, wiggle woggle and not sure how to feel…let’s just stay here for a while, then we’ll clean this house top to bottom and cry doing it.” Yip yip - he …he has no idea his girl is off on a new adventure, pulling away like she should be doing, and is not walking through that door anytime soon.

Here is the thing. I will see her in 2 days when fly to where she will be - to get her all moved in to her dorm. So, these are feelings and thoughts that I have and most people I know don’t really understand. And I get it, not the first and last to experience this.

So I will nod in agreement and smile when my family and certain friends will say “oh yay, it’s going to be great …think of the time you’ll have for you…and you are seeing her soon!”

Oh for sure! I will play along.

Mhmm smile, smile…work work by day…do all the things. And at night, when I just need to feel okay… I will read posts here on this subreddit…a small comfort, hearing others going through their own journey.

Not sure why am sharing this.

I have heard/read/been told that I need to keep busy. But, I am never not busy, what with a demanding job and the need to do well to pay for all the things.

I also don’t want to hear once again from certain well-meaning friends, to go out, be with people so you don’t get lonely. I enjoy being alone! I read, create, think, breathe in the space to be…

I also don’t want to hear about all the free time that somehow has been plopped on my lap. Um yes, some free time- but I still have the demanding job and as the sole everything - all the house things, the dog-o, life etc. Certainly, I will make use of any new time gained, but I am not retired with loads of free time.

I feel guilty and mean when I feel annoyed hearing “you will get through this.” I know I will.

This is why I hesitated to post. I see how awful I sound and for an experience known to most parents since forever.

I post, maybe…i dunno.. perhaps…
because I have felt heard and understood when reading others posts. Even if a vastly different experience - it lands with me and brings me comfort. I have laughed out loud. Cried alongside others stories. So grateful for the OP posting.

I wonder if also, I simply need to get it out, and own that I sometimes want …need… to just be feather and feel how I feel the way I feel in this moment and for however long it takes. And if that entails silly things like pretending my girl is here at home even if just for a split second, so be it.

I know there are other feathers out there. Feathers, who like me, will snap back when we are good and ready.

Yet, so interesting to me is that for all the different ways I google and search, stories and guidance out there is mainly packaged like it is a neat and linear journey.

I guess am in a feather stage and the neat isn’t landing for me.

I appreciate folks. I truly do, but the neatly packaged and well-meaning guidance I mostly find or get makes me feel a little like it’s a message to take this solution - it works, trust us, you’re not unique to this!- and move on already so we can hear your happy “after all that, look at me now” story.

But I don’t think that’s always how it goes. And maybe it’s ok to be a feather and to take comfort in hearing and seeing - getting that glimpse, like a fly on the wall- how other feathers are blowing in the wind and living through this wild ride as our babes pull away as far as they can like we raised them to do.

Signed,
A Feather 🪶

It's been a journey with my teenage son to say the least, he's a great kid, just had some speed bumps in public school. Thankfully his Sophomore year he pulled a 180 and got his H.S. Diploma early and graduated with honors. He has joined the Army at 17 and he got a GREAT job, a job that would also set him up for life on the outside as well.

We couldn't be more proud of him and we are so excited for him to start his own journey. We also have a 16 year old daughter who is very close with big brother and has finally been able to look up to his example.

What i'm struggling with now as a father is accepting that i'm not going to be my sons "right hand man" anymore, this is our first kid "leaving the nest" and the shock has been ramping up this entire week. It's a bitter sweet, a "happy sad".

Since this is new territory for me and i'm now reflecting on everything leading up to this day, I'd appreciate any tips on how to cope with this after he leaves today. What were your healthy coping habits? what did you realize that broke your heart and how did you get through it? Thanks

I had a court date and everybody i knew said they had to work. My kids are with me, and they are big boys 23 months 6 months, why some security guard attack me in my head nose, and eye. They took the kids they are saying in protective custody. And i yet to see them back this was August 4th. This was in St. Louis city. Vander family courts. Been going for almost a year about 3 other children. I was attacked in Chillicothe Mo and i couldn't even have my family get my babies before they let them get lost in dfs custody. Had my 4th baby, at ssm, went to Barnes one day about a knot in my stomach. Instead of getting attention for that, they took my baby and called me mental. I couldn't call my family then iether. I was lost to the system until emancipation myself.

I told everyone to hide thier kids when i came back to st Louis from Chillicothe. This is why. Yes i have a housing for 3 bedrooms. Yes i had jobs, all they wanna do is run you. And say it only works one way. I don't know what they want. My baby's are cry babies, I'm sure they are historical after seeing me beat on and then ended up where ever they are. Why is missouri this way and why is it allowed, every phone I've had is tap. But other crimes are ok compared to, they cry over no car insurance no I'm low income you won't steal from me when they set up crashes it's been allowed. Why is st Louis have been and still is deeply, fantasized with categorizing people and trying to raise someone else kids. If they can't even afford simple safety and people to be patient and take the permenant place as someone's mother. Every child. I just been a target since day one hanging on the wall like a picture frame. Claim to be rescued. I was treated and walk like a dog all through my foster care experience. My kids told me the same thing is happening to them in Independence MO. They are horrible in Missouri the people in control. No justice ever. I'll never be helpful or nice to any one but a child.

This is my first time posting on reddit. I dont really know what i am doing or expecting. But My 17 year old just moved 1 hour away for cegep. I am so very proud of her. But at the same time i am so very sad. We are very very close. Ive been having trouble adjusting to not seeing her everyday. I feel kinda lost without her here. I have hobbies but i cant seem to find interest in them anymore. It feels like im just crying and missing her all the time. Does anyone have any advice or can anyone relate.

TLDR: youngest kid graduated HS and moved across the country and now I’m lost.

My littlest bird has flown the coop and this one stung. My older children both left home to attend college. They come home on breaks but are far enough that we normally only see them for Christmas and summer. My youngest decided to take a few years to himself to figure out who he wants to be.

I drove with him across the country (literally the west coast to the east) and had an adventure. A trip for the ages. We saw stupid things, took stupid pictures and told stupid stories. It was exactly what my momma heart needed in that moment.

But now, the silence is deafening. I don’t know who I am or who I want to be when I “grow up”. I’ve always just been a mom first and all the other stuff was second. My kids were everything. I didn’t want to be a mom but figured since my body had other ideas I would be the best mom I could. I think I did an ok job. And during the time raising my kids I finished my degree and have a fairly successful job.

But what now? How do you fill the silence? How do you go about figuring out who you are? I just miss them so much it’s crushing me.

Side note: yes, I’m in therapy. I want to know what others are doing to get through this.

I’m lying on my son’s bed as I write this. About 30 minutes, he drove off with the things he’s taking to college from my place. He headed to his mom’s place to finish packing, and on Saturday they’ll fly out of state so he can move into his dorm.

I won’t be there, unfortunately. Other obligations keep me here, and the reality of that has settled in. The house feels so empty now. His room is crowded with boxes and the things he couldn’t bring or wanted to donate, but I keep seeing younger versions of him playing in this space, laughing, smiling, growing. What feels like four years ago is really eight or more, and somehow it all went by in an instant.

Before he left, we shared a long hug and cried into each other’s shoulders. I was the one that cracked and came apart first. After he left, I had a bigger cry alone. I knew this would be hard. I just wish I had a little more time because I already miss him so much.

My son who is a great kid, ( besides being a bit unmotivated) but otherwise a great person and a kind soul. Has left me, his dad, feeling more depressed than I thought I would be.

Our one and only is moving out this week…he’s a couple months shy of 18 but there are kids that age going off to college so that’s not the issue so much. what is? we weren’t ready for a move out. he works where he’s away a lot so we got a taste of empty nest. but once that bed goes out the door it feels so final. I think it’s a waste of money and efforts but he is set on renting this room from his coworker. what hurts is he only wants his bed, clothes, and gear (fishing & tools) for work. he said donate the rest. he wants us to sell off his benchpress and other items. it’s like erasing traces of him. maybe it’s a defense reaction but I am feeling now like our house is a museum as little has changed, we have a lot of items inherited from the in-laws, years of photos and my sons artwork adorn the walls. I treasure those but almost feel I want to take them down and pack them away for another time. I have hobbies and I have cancer (it doesn’t show or affect my activities) so I will have things to keep me busy whether I like it or not. But I just wonder if refreshing the house , making it less of a shrine , is helpful or denial. Thoughts?