u/sunnyeeve

I feel like I’ve lived through so many different emotions and versions of myself over the past year.

In the beginning, I missed my son terribly. The house felt too quiet and I was genuinely sad. I also stopped taking proper care of myself in small ways. I didn’t really feel like eating, let alone cooking just for myself, so I mostly chose whatever was easy: bread, soup, salads or takeout. Then something shifted.

I started enjoying the peace. For the first time in a very long time, I only had myself to think about. My spontaneous side came out. I started doing things I hadn’t really been able to do before. Making last-minute plans, going somewhere because I felt like it, changing my mind or doing absolutely nothing without having to consider anyone else. And I’ve been trying to figure out what I actually enjoy.

I’m trying new hobbies. I’ve started diamond painting (not for me), I’m reading more (nope cant find peace), I go to the gym, and soon I’m going to try horse riding. I throw myself into my work and give it everything I have.
Even the small routines are slowly coming back. For about a month now, I’ve been doing proper grocery shopping again and cooking meals for myself.

That might sound like such a small thing, but after months of not really caring what I ate, it actually feels significant.
So from the outside, I’m doing all the things you’re supposed to do. I’m building routines, trying new things, working, exercising, taking care of myself and discovering what life looks like when I get to make the decisions. And yet…I’m 46 and sometimes I feel like a teenager who has absolutely no idea how to do this new life.

I’m also single, which adds another strange layer to it. Part of me wants to date. I miss closeness, affection and having someone to share the ordinary little things with. But another part of me thinks: wait… this is finally my time.

For years, my life naturally revolved around being a mother. Now that I finally have all this freedom, do I really want to immediately start building my life around another person?
I want companionship, but I don’t want to give up this new independence I’ve only just discovered. I want to experience love again, but I also want to find out who I am when nobody needs anything from me. I want someone beside me, but I don’t necessarily want someone filling all this new space.

And somehow I want all of those contradictory things at the same time. Some days the freedom feels amazing. Other days it feels incredibly lonely.
I think that’s what surprises me most. I thought becoming an empty nester would be one emotional transition: you miss your child, you adjust, and eventually you move on.
Instead, it seems to come in waves. Grief. Peace. Freedom. Excitement. Loneliness. Reinventing yourself. And sometimes several of them on the same day.

I’m especially curious about people who are further into the empty nest stage. I feel like one week, one month and one year are completely different experiences. For me, the emotions keep changing instead of simply getting easier. What did your first year look like? Did you go through different phases too, and what changed after that first year?