Why many modern Punjabi marriages are failing: The reality of living with backwards, toxic in-laws
Power struggle is a real reason so many punjabi couples especially those living with in-laws end up getting divorced. We seriously need to let go of the traditional Punjabi mentality and actually treat a DIL like a daughter, instead of just saying it.
This being said, it is important to acknowledge that not all in-laws are like this. Some are genuinely sweet, modern, and progressive, and they treat their DIL with real love, respect her space, and support her career. But unfortunately, the toxic, controlling mindset is still incredibly common. What families fail to realize is a very simple truth: if you treat her like a daughter, she will treat you like her own parents. Respect and love go both ways, but you cannot expect daughter-level devotion when you treat her like an outsider.
The biggest issue when living under one roof is that so many Punjabi in-laws literally refuse to let their son and daughter in law exist as their own separate family.
The classic “dhi banake rakhan ge” line is just a comforting lie. In reality, the DIL is treated like an outsider who has to follow a strict hierarchy. Families love bragging about her degree and career to the community, but the second she steps foot into the house, they just try to force the DIL into a housemaid role.
And honestly, a toxic SIL/BIL makes living there ten times worse. For example, a lot of times, the SIL acts like a spy or a boss for the MIL. The SIL gets a free pass to sleep in, relax, and focus on her own life, but she will judge the DIL for doing the exact same thing. She’ll feed into the MIL’s complaints, whisper in corners when the DIL walks into the room, and keep tabs on what the DIL is buying or doing just to run back and tell the mother.
Looking at the day to day reality of living together, it’s just a constant wave of controlling behaviours meant to break a woman's spirit and keep her small. Like the classic move where the MIL suddenly gets a headache, pretends to be sick, or acts like she's suddenly too "old" to do chores the exact second it's time to cook or clean. It's a guilt trip to force the DIL into the kitchen while everyone else relaxes, but the moment it's time to go shopping or go to a party, that illness and old age completely disappear.
There is no grace or basic comfort allowed in the house. A DIL isn't allowed to sleep in, is expected to wake up early every single day, and is made to feel like she can't even stay in her own room. But the moment she actually steps out of her bedroom, she is immediately hit with backhanded comments and mean remarks. It puts her in a trap where she is criticized no matter what she does, so she naturally prefers to stay locked away in her room just to protect her mental health.
The house turns into a prison where a grown, married, working woman is treated like a teenager. Putting a curfew on her, questioning why she’s coming home at a certain time, and constantly watching her every move, her package deliveries, or her personal spending.
Then there are the constant passive aggressive comments in the house. Mean remarks about how her family raised her, followed by talking behind her back to the extended family to ruin her reputation before she even gets a chance. And then there is the constant pressure for grandchildren, demanding babies on their timeline while completely ignoring if the couple is actually ready.
Emotional blackmail is heavily used on the son too, with phrases like “now that you have a wife, you’ve forgotten the mother who gave you birth.” It traps the guy in a state where he’s too scared to stand up for his wife because he’s living under his parents' roof and doesn’t want to be called a bad son.
It is completely exhausting to work hard, build a career, be treated as an adult at a job, and then come home to an environment where you are constantly stressed, walking on eggshells, and being watched/judged 24/7 by multiple people in your own living space.
A marriage cannot survive when there are four or five people in the relationship all living together. If a husband refuses to set firm boundaries because “that’s just how family is,” he is actively letting his parents and siblings destroy his marriage.
Women today aren't going to stay in toxic families just to keep up appearances for log kya kahenge. If the community wants these marriages to actually last, we have to move past the old-school mindset. Families need to realize that a DIL having boundaries and an independent life isn't a threat, it's a necessity. If people are going to say they treat her like a daughter, they need to actually mean it.