r/PunjabiConfessionzs

Hi, im traveling to Abbotsford in the fall for a wedding and am looking for a hair and makeup artist. Any recommendations?

All the Punjabis here keep saying they're going to live with the parents and Punjabi women complain about having to take care of the in-laws and doing the man's chores.

However, I got a whole different question and problem that makes my head spin, how do these Punjabi couples live with the parents/in-laws when doing the deed or trying to be lovey dovey? We already hear stories of the son watching corn and Punjabi parents just walking in and seeing this. However, hook ups, dating, couples enjoying each other with in-laws in the house, impossible? How do you all date or be intimate during dating? where are you guys doing the deed because you can't just walk in with your gf/bf to your bedroom while your parents are there?

No f ing way it's just such a big taboo for me as a guy being with the parents while doing the deed all the time. I'm on moving out because of that.

I think the reason Punjabi couples break things off so rapidly and so quickly versus other backgrounds is that the men just look for servants for the in-laws and the bed game is terrible, parents are up in there businesses early on and the DIL is guilty, with these Punjabi men doing nothing in the bedroom or game. There's alot more to relationships than just live with the parents, take care of in-laws, work, and somehow have and raise kids. Relationships are everything about lovey dovey, do your in-laws and parents really need to join in on you going on your partner.

Moving out is essential.

Power struggle is a real reason so many punjabi couples especially those living with in-laws end up getting divorced. We seriously need to let go of the traditional Punjabi mentality and actually treat a DIL like a daughter, instead of just saying it.

This being said, it is important to acknowledge that not all in-laws are like this. Some are genuinely sweet, modern, and progressive, and they treat their DIL with real love, respect her space, and support her career. But unfortunately, the toxic, controlling mindset is still incredibly common. What families fail to realize is a very simple truth: if you treat her like a daughter, she will treat you like her own parents. Respect and love go both ways, but you cannot expect daughter-level devotion when you treat her like an outsider.

The biggest issue when living under one roof is that so many Punjabi in-laws literally refuse to let their son and daughter in law exist as their own separate family.

The classic “dhi banake rakhan ge” line is just a comforting lie. In reality, the DIL is treated like an outsider who has to follow a strict hierarchy. Families love bragging about her degree and career to the community, but the second she steps foot into the house, they just try to force the DIL into a housemaid role.

And honestly, a toxic SIL/BIL makes living there ten times worse. For example, a lot of times, the SIL acts like a spy or a boss for the MIL. The SIL gets a free pass to sleep in, relax, and focus on her own life, but she will judge the DIL for doing the exact same thing. She’ll feed into the MIL’s complaints, whisper in corners when the DIL walks into the room, and keep tabs on what the DIL is buying or doing just to run back and tell the mother.

Looking at the day to day reality of living together, it’s just a constant wave of controlling behaviours meant to break a woman's spirit and keep her small. Like the classic move where the MIL suddenly gets a headache, pretends to be sick, or acts like she's suddenly too "old" to do chores the exact second it's time to cook or clean. It's a guilt trip to force the DIL into the kitchen while everyone else relaxes, but the moment it's time to go shopping or go to a party, that illness and old age completely disappear.

There is no grace or basic comfort allowed in the house. A DIL isn't allowed to sleep in, is expected to wake up early every single day, and is made to feel like she can't even stay in her own room. But the moment she actually steps out of her bedroom, she is immediately hit with backhanded comments and mean remarks. It puts her in a trap where she is criticized no matter what she does, so she naturally prefers to stay locked away in her room just to protect her mental health.

The house turns into a prison where a grown, married, working woman is treated like a teenager. Putting a curfew on her, questioning why she’s coming home at a certain time, and constantly watching her every move, her package deliveries, or her personal spending.

Then there are the constant passive aggressive comments in the house. Mean remarks about how her family raised her, followed by talking behind her back to the extended family to ruin her reputation before she even gets a chance. And then there is the constant pressure for grandchildren, demanding babies on their timeline while completely ignoring if the couple is actually ready.

Emotional blackmail is heavily used on the son too, with phrases like “now that you have a wife, you’ve forgotten the mother who gave you birth.” It traps the guy in a state where he’s too scared to stand up for his wife because he’s living under his parents' roof and doesn’t want to be called a bad son.

It is completely exhausting to work hard, build a career, be treated as an adult at a job, and then come home to an environment where you are constantly stressed, walking on eggshells, and being watched/judged 24/7 by multiple people in your own living space.

A marriage cannot survive when there are four or five people in the relationship all living together. If a husband refuses to set firm boundaries because “that’s just how family is,” he is actively letting his parents and siblings destroy his marriage.

Women today aren't going to stay in toxic families just to keep up appearances for log kya kahenge. If the community wants these marriages to actually last, we have to move past the old-school mindset. Families need to realize that a DIL having boundaries and an independent life isn't a threat, it's a necessity. If people are going to say they treat her like a daughter, they need to actually mean it.

For people who are into real estate development and house flipping, is it actually worth it financially?

Is there really that much profit in it once you factor in renovations, holding costs, contractors, permits, etc.? Curious what margins actually look like for people doing this consistently.

Also, where do people even find good contractors/employees?

Anyone else find it pathetic and sad how so many Punjabis need to depend on materialism to feel good about themselves?

Big houses, fancy cars you name it. It’s like our culture is rooted within materialism. Why is it so hard to find apne who are humble and don’t have the need to flex their accomplishments to friends and family?

It all stems from insecurity. People trying to one-up eachother and thinking fancier things make them look better but in reality they just put themselves in debt to look good. I can’t tell you many dudes I’ve talked to who are my age who just fixate on money and always want expensive and fancy cars for the sake of looking good or pulling chicks. Meanwhile here I am driving a 2015 used Nissan and I couldn’t be happier lol

Family gatherings are the worst. Relatives ask you what your career plans are and proceed to follow up by commenting how much money you’ll make. Even when it comes to dating, as I guy I don’t give af about how much money a girl makes. I just care about if she’s a good person of not

Yeah sure, everyone wants to be rich, but when it comes to punjabis, I’m afraid many want to become wealthy for the wrong reasons. It’s why imo, being humble is a human quality that is super important, and it’s something I notice when it comes to meeting people in my life

Long story short - my bf is a trucker but was home for a couple days. I used PTO for this date I planned & he did not wake up! (he had already rested 2 days at home) I could not call him as he had DND on. Sometimes I text his brother to wake him up and those times he actually shows up. But I can't do that anymore as he should have some responsibility. Also this is not the first time this has happened. He wakes up late every time we have a date or are just meeting, I let it go because in person it genuinely shows that he loves me.

I don't want to say that I don't believe it but he sleeps for 15 hours at a time when he is home. Not only the day he comes home from work, it happens every single day he is home. I say its fine because I do love him but I am not sure what to believe. Is it normal for truck drivers to sleep 15 hours every single day they are home? He just works, sleeps and misses his dates with me and I am very hurt.

Seriously, I've been through highs and lows, but mean this with all my heart, dude. Fuck everyone else. Fuck the relatives who hate you, fuck the friends who secretly hate you. Life's a lot, and dealing with depression myself, but brother/sister, do not hurt yourself for anything. You'll get a good job, you'lI "make it." Just focus on yourself. The Punjabi culture has some toxic perfectionist expectations, and even then someone might still hate you. Dating, marrying, etc., isn't the solution- first, be yourself and love yourself. Stay in touch with people without letting emotions control you, and only then love someone else. Life's not a joke; you're very lucky to be here, especially without a disability or in a third-world country. If you ever feel alone, I've got you-just DM me. Love one another, and love yourself too. And dude Jesus fucking Christ do I feel BURNT out but il tell ya what just keep going it doesn't matter in what capacity but just keep going you.

Muah love you all lots 💔

Too many Punjabis in Canada in crime, we need this to end as soon as possible.

This is what happens when our culture over emphasizes money. It’s leading to bad decisions and divorces ( women want to marry guys with money even if it means illegally).

Needs to be more emphasis on education

One of the biggest issues surrounding Sikhi today is the lack of involvement or interest from Punjabi youth in Gen Z or even older generations that don’t connect with their religion

Why do you think that is? Well, have you visited a Gurdwara? In my honest opinion, gurdwara’s don’t do nearly enough to incentivize and engage with today’s youth. The programs some gurdwaras do have consist of complicated religious aspects which let’s be honest, most youth don’t care learning about, or are of low quality. You have adults leading these programs that don’t know anything about how to connect and involve youth and it results in well… nothing.

I recently saw a post by Gurratan Singh about how him and a couple other members from the community host these Friday night diwans at a gurdwara in Brampton. These gatherings are for Gen Z youth and millennials to learn more about Sikhi and to connect with others. The gathering is entirely in English so people can understand what’s going on.

Now some people may laugh and think this is ridiculous, but I think this is exactly what gurdwaras need right now. These diwans directly connect with younger members of the sangat so they directly learn about their religion in an accessible way. I wish our gurdwaras here in Calgary had something similar

Gurdwara committees consist of corrupt boomers who only care about money. They don’t do anything to connect with youth, and then wonder why Sikh teens and young adults don’t bother to learn or care about their religion. Gyanis don’t bother to and don’t exactly have the ability to talk to and connect with youth either, so who do youth have to help them connect with Sikhi if they can’t depend on their own religious institutions?

Instead of treating the gurdwara as a place to eat food and gossip, gurdwaras should be safe places for people to further learn about their religion and to be a part of a strong community. It starts with involving the youth in meaningful, accessible ways.

I’m a 24 year old guy and don’t really have any issues with women. However, I don’t drink alcohol and I find it really hard to find a pretty Punjabi girl that doesn’t drink at all either. Or women in general honestly. I’ve dated Muslim women for this reason but that never works out because they want me to convert to Islam in the end since my end goal is to get married. Does anyone have any serious tips? Do disrespect to anyone who does, but it just isn’t my lifestyle.

Engineering student @ UWaterloo.
SWE/HWE tech Market is horrible right now. Would appreciate some help on getting leads/referrals for companies that are hiring right now.

Has anyone moved to a different city after marriage? How did you adjust ?
A city that you can’t take day trips to be back home. I mean a flight would be necessary or 7-8 hours of driving.

Do you feel like you lost your old life and connections ?

This chat is getting boring with bunch of 30 year olds always complaining about not being able to get married.

We need to bring back actual topics like before. That being said, why are so many Punjabi girls jealous of Nina Gidda ? Do they want to be like her to marry rich ?

Honestly just a stupid vent but meeting girls as a bi woman is always like you're feeling on the edge. Like my city has some queer spaces but I feel weird being the only person of colour there so I don't go. I'm not a fan of dating apps, but it feels like the only no risk way to see options for same-sex flings or dates. Even then, I have been preyed on by some men for being bisexual, like they thought I'd be down for a threesome JUST because I'm bi. Or whenever I get asked out by a girl I legit back out cuz I'm like, what if she's looking for a third for her boyfriend.

It's gotten to a point where if I'm seeing a guy, I've stopped telling him I'm bi. It doesn't help that I look a bit alternative with my styling choices, so apparently to some people I look "fun" whatever that means. Don't even get me started on how I've been fetishized for my ethnicity, or infantilized because I'm short.

I'm not an accessory or trophy, I just want to be treated like a human and not some commodity.

So I’m 26, my parents are amritdhari and I’ve been tying my beard with a rubber band for years. With that I’ve used fixos gels and hairsprays to set it. I’ve hated the glued on shiny chemically unnatural look that these products give, and it’s super uncomfortable. I also don’t want to keep a long beard.

I’ve been starting to line up the sides for a few months, and shortening the bottom. I also have been trimming the mustache as well. I’m still tying my beard and using some product to set it so it’s not super obvious that I cut my beard. The more I’ve cut it the less I’ve had to rely on products and thus the better my beard has been looking.

I want to make the full transition and stop tying my beard and have it naturally short and trim like most Sardars my age do nowadays. But i have a lot of anxiety about pissing off my parents. The reason I’ve gone so slow with this is so that it’s less of a shock. I’ve dropped hints over the last several months that I don’t enjoy keeping my beard. I would say I have much more freedom in general than I used to when I was younger. But I think I still have that deep rooted anxiety from when I was younger and they would get upset at me for certain things.

I know they want me to keep my beard and at the same time I think my parents have noticed that my beard has been cut and lined up a bit. I’m scared of ditching the rubber band and fully trimming it and what reaction it could cause.

I am applying for jobs several hours away, and I might be living away from home soon. Is that when it would be safest to ditch tying and cut it to a length I’m happy with? Has anyone else dealt with something similar?

PS I know trimming our beards is against Sikhi and as bad as trimming our joora. The point is I already cut my beard, and I acknowledge that it’s my bad for doing so. Therefore there’s no point in getting angry at me for my choice. Maybe one day I’ll decide to keep it, but I don’t want to for the time being.

Hope yall don’t mind me 🥹. I need a solid advice on how to find a guy for myself. I’m a Punjabi female in 30s (mid), barely have any friends, not really dated cuz of strict family and now a lot of time has passed since my parents have been going through the marriage proposals over few years and no prospects yet. I have never been married, engaged or had done roka (well, never even talked to a guy or had a date from marriage proposals cuz my parents want to talk first and sign up for rishta pakka then I’ll be allowed to talk… cuz of that fear I say no to everyone) I signed up for dilmil and my most matches are younger guys. Dating app is kinda sus and any guy who has been swiping right on me for a while and when I swipe right back- they don’t want to talk (which is ok but still weird). I have been unemployed for sometime and i feel little insecure about it. I have done good in my life and I have no idea where to begin. I regret listening to my mom and dad. I feel that I have lost my good fit options. Anyone in the similar boat? Any advice or suggestions? I appreciate your input! 🙏🏻