Advice needed going LC or NC, but I hold her POA?
I need some advice on figuring out how to extract myself from my mothers life.
The current situation, that was the straw that finally made me choose me
A week ago Saturday night my mother (77) called my auntie and left her a voicemail that said “I don’t know what’s wrong with my daughter. If I had a place to go and buy a gun right now, and I’d off her right now. All I know is…. She better watch out.”
I had not talked to her for hours on the day this occurred and when I did talk to her, it was only for her to tell me she had found her phone after loosing it. I had no idea she was mad at me and saying horrible things until my auntie called me. She just got mad enough to make a death threat without even talking to me.
This comment is just the most recent in a life that has been filled with mental and emotional abuse and manipulation. But this comment crossed a line, because it amounts to my own mother making a what amounts to a death threat against me. I am her only child.
When my husband called to ask her how she could say such a heinous thing about her daughter, her first reaction was to hang up on him and block him.
She knows exactly what she said. There is no questions in my mind about that.
I can’t see how we move past this. Those words will forever be in my head. And if I forgive her and move on, it just shows her I’m still under her thumb and she can say whatever crazy things she wants to about me.
Background info.
My entire life I have never been good enough for this woman. She doesn’t trust me, for some unknown reason. Up until 2018, I would always just have given in to her crazy ranting and raving at me. Just to make her happy. Just to keep her from being mean. The emotional abuse I’ve suffered through my entire life is enough to take up pages and pages.
When I finally moved out, I was finally able to flip the switch and not be under her thumb. We eventually got to where I could choose to help her if I wanted to, not because she demanded it, and we were better with distance.
In 2020 she stopped driving. I became her only tie to the outside world and was who took care of all of her shopping, grocery and whatever else she needed, and took care of taking her to all of her doctors appointments, of which there are many due to her health struggles.
The past six years I have done everything she needed. It hasn’t been easy, but she has no one else, and I wasn’t at a point where I could see that I probably just needed to walk away from her
In August of last year she suffered a massive stroke. She’s amazingly made a fantastic recovery, but she stroke still required me to take over eight weeks off of work to pack and sell her house and to find an assisted living facility for her to move into. She moved in last October. Things were rough getting her house sold and she was not very nice through the process, but we made it through it.
I thought our relationship was better than it had been in years. With the help of assisted living We were finally able to do fun things together instead of me just spending all of my time caretaking and she was being mostly nice. things were at a point where my mental health wasn’t suffering and I thought maybe things would be better. Boy was I mistaken.
She’s never taken well to being told no. If she can’t manipulate you into doing what she wants, she turns to mean comments or whatever she can do to get back in control of the situation.
She has chased away every other family member, there is literally no one else who will give her the help she needs. Even thought she needs help, I can’t be the one who continues to show up for her. I’m the only person she has not chased away, and she’s finally chase me away
Yes, she’s helped me throughout my life. Not everything was always horrible. But I’ve been an amazing daughter who has done so much for her, when I have no obligation to do so.
Her words in the voicemail last Saturday have made me completely reappraise everything. Because that is an unthinkable thing to say about your own child.
It’s also made me look at my entire life through a different lens. If I’m being honest, I only seem to be of use to her if there is a benefit to her. If there is no benefit to her, I’m just an inconvenience and problem to be squashed.
It’s completely emotionally wrecked me.
She’s trying to just say she is sorry and saying we can talk about it and move on. I know that she is thinking that I’m blowing things out of proportion, but I’m not.
I cannot allow someone who wants to murder me, to have a place in my life. How can I love me if I allow that. I can’t.
Bottom line is, she needs me, I don’t need her. And I don’t ever deserve to be threatened in that manner.
Due to her stroke, I hold her financial and medical powers of attorney. She is competent, mentally, but struggles with day to day tasks, and cannot live on her own. I am currently listed as the responsible party on her lease at the assisted living facility. I currently pay all of her bills and make sure she has any incontinence supplies she needs, as well as transporting her to all of her medical appointment
I’m trying to figure out how do I navigate the assisted living facility and getting myself removed as the responsible party.
also trying to determine if I need to go to the courts and have the courts appoint a guardian, since I am going to refuse to serve as her POA.
I cannot for my mental wellbeing maintain contact with this woman
I’m looking to see if there is anyone else who has navigated a similar situation and how you went about extracting yourself.