Am I somewhere on the asexual spectrum or just inexperienced/confused? (23F)
Hi everyone,
I’m a 23F and I’ve been struggling with something for years, so I wanted to hear other people’s perspectives because I honestly don’t know what’s “normal” anymore.
I’ve only had one relationship, when I was 19. It lasted around 6 months, and 2–3 of those months were long distance. Before meeting him, I had basically never been interested in anyone romantically or sexually. My friends would try to introduce me to guys, I’d try talking to them, but after a couple of days I’d lose interest because I just didn’t feel attracted to them at all.
Then I met my ex, and for the first time in my life I actually liked someone immediately. It honestly shocked me because I had never felt that way before. Long story short: at first I was the one initiating conversations, but after 2 weeks he ghosted me. Then 2 months later he came back, we reconnected, and because I was so fascinated by finally liking someone, we got into a relationship pretty quickly.
He was my first everything: first kiss, first sexual experiences, first time having sex. He was also more experienced than me (2 years older, much higher sex drive, etc.), while I had absolutely no experience and honestly no idea how to navigate intimacy. We had sex after only 2 weeks of dating. Everything was consensual, but looking back, I think I rushed into it and I didn't really like it. Part of me felt things were moving too fast, but I was also curious about sex and scared I might never get another opportunity because I was about to move away for university and I knew I will not sleep around with people there.
Throughout the relationship there was a lot of sex involved, especially before I moved away, but I almost never initiated it. Even after getting comfortable with him, I’d initiate kisses, dates, cuddling, conversations… but not sex. I liked him a lot and at one point I genuinely thought I loved him. I loved spending time together, watching movies, talking for hours, just being around him.
At some point, though, my hesitation around sex became obvious even for him. We had conversations where he tried to understand why I seemed scared or reserved about it, and he encouraged me to open up more sexually. But before I ever figured myself out, we broke up.
Since then, I’ve gone back to the same old problem: I rarely feel attraction toward men. Very rarely. And even if I do, it usually stops at kissing. I don’t start fantasizing about sex, I don’t feel that physical urge people describe. Even alcohol doesn’t really change that.
There was even a guy in my friend group — objectively very attractive, sweet, Spanish, we kissed multiple times at parties — and every time he suggested sex, I just… couldn’t do it. I refused multiple times, not because I disliked him, but because I genuinely didn’t want sex and not even the idea of relationship interested me.
The confusing part is this: even after my ex and I broke up, for the next 3 years the only sexual experiences I had were with him every few months. If he texted me asking to meet up while I was home, I’d immediately say yes. I always told myself it was because he felt familiar and safe, also and I knew I couldn’t do that with other people.
Recently I finally blocked him after finding out he has a girlfriend (that’s a whole other complicated story). I don’t think I’ve had romantic feelings for him in a long time, So that doesn’t justify the fact that I would always go see him whenever he texted me. Since cutting contact, I’ve tried talking to other people and nothing really works.
Now I’m wondering if maybe I’m somewhere on the asexual spectrum? Or demisexual? Or maybe I just have a very low sex drive?
What confuses me even more is that I do watch porn sometimes and masturbate, so I can feel horny alone. But when it comes to actually having sex with another person, I just don’t really desire it. Sometimes during sex with my ex I wouldn’t even look at his body — I’d look at his face or close my eyes.
I’m starting to worry this could become a bigger issue in future relationships. Is this more normal than I think or am I just confused? Has anyone experienced something similar?